Reflection

Here we are again my friends, yet another year is coming to pass. What does this mean for you, me, and the world? It means a time for reflection on our past victories and transgressions, and also a look forward to the promising future. I myself love looking back on the year that passed to laugh at all the stupid shit that I did, hearts I broke, laws of physics I completely ignored, and horrid moral decisions that I have made to get me to 12/31/2009. There are only two words in the English language (Ebonics included) that can describe my year...and my life for that matter, and those words are "Fucking Awesome."

I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:

1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others

Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:

1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.

In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:

1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.

Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.

We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...

For Frampton

You are welcome...

Clarity

It can be a painful shock to suddenly realize that you have been living your life all wrong. I experienced this bizarre panic tonight at 12:04 am while watching Sportcenter and jumping around on the internet in search of any sort of inspiration that might be out there waiting to punch me in the face.

I suppose I shouldn't say that I have been living my life all wrong, but it was one of those moments where you have a good bit of clarity and whiskey running through your brain, and a good portion of your life hurls by and all you can think about how a lot of it could have gone differently. For better or worse, this is where I found myself tonight. It was spurred by several recent events the most pertinent of which has been my utter lack of interest in my current career and the laziness that has kept me from leaving it for the past three years. It happens everyday, people lose themselves to complacency and comfort then slowly, and unnoticeably, they ferment into angry unpleasant beasts of intolerable wickedness.

I can feel the wickedness growing in me lately, driving away friends and acquaintances faster than I can react to my own horrifying decisions. Someday soon I will turn around looking for support for my collapsing soul and realize that I am the only one staring back, with a savage grin and deep sorrow in the eyes. From my reflections as of late the conclusion seems to be a sum of many small acts of pride that were small at the time they happened, are now compounding within my head in a perfect storm of helpless depression, confusion, and rage. There is no way to change the past but that is always the first stage with these things, to want to go back and change an action, say something differently, start over again...

Since there are no take-backs in this cruel life, we are forced to trudge forward through the hideous swamp of regret that (it seems from my perspective) many of us build for ourselves. There are few who truly ever get clean of that place. Some people reinvest themselves in the church. Others try to ignore all that has happened and push on as if they were reborn. I have never had time for either of these and have always tried to keep a hard line of truth with my thoughts and actions, but when one pushes all friends away there is no true correcting factor but myself, and at this point I can't trust myself with providing even a steady meal, much less auditing my thoughts and staying sane.

So what comes next? Well, another drink always seems to do the trick...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A response I received from a true american hero:


After reading your blog "clarity" it really made me want to A) kill myself and B) kill myself while dressed like a gay clown. I feel that these emotions came over me in this very powerful and distinct way due to the sheer self deprecating emotions that I was reading from the page. I felt like I was covered in a blanket of self pity, hopelessness, and self loathing; while at the same time someone is smothering me with a pillow of despair. I'm not much with words, so I feel that I can best represent what I felt with the attached illustration.


Your non-friend,
JH

Spirit of the Season

If you were a snowman what would you look like? Me, I'd most likely be completely naked with a double whiskey coke in my left hand and a pair of awesome snowwoman boobs in the other. I would wake up every morning with the snowwoman version of Scarlett Johansson gently caressing my frosty snowboner, then we would go to Denny's to enjoy All-American Slams and discuss current events. Since I'm lazy here is the best depiction you will get:






My friend Absolute Zero sent me a picture of what he would look like, and it was remarkably accurate. See below:





The detail is staggering...the disheveled hair and rage filled face (from long sleepless nights filled with his deepening self-anger and loathing), the middle finger raised proud and high, and of course the fully automatic AK-47 with extended ammunition magazine. I'm pretty sure he is firing the gun into a crowd of all his vitality-sucking, soul-devouring, evil ex-girlfriends...good work my friend.

...And here is a picture I made of Mr.T. This picture is the embodiment of the holiday spirit, fuck those snowmen posted above. My awesomeness just skyrocketed past Jesus...suck on that Christians...

Animation

My first attempt at creating an animation...and it's not good. Posted anyway because I like to spread misery.

And here is Frampton's, it is an ongoing work in progress but 10x better than mine...

Side Projects

I've Been mulling around with an idea I've had for some time about attempting to make a comic book, but never really found the motivation to start such a project. With my recent interest in retro "8-bit" images the comic book project jumped to mind, so I started dabbling with sprites and trying to create some characters. Below is the result of my first trial:







Not bad me thinks! The title is a definite work in progress but I just wanted to have something on the page for layout purposes, plus I wanted to test the functionality of the block-style font that I created. It works for now but I already foresee a need for a revised font before going much further. The thing is slower to create than one would think considering the simple nature of the images and font, but due to the fact that each pixel has to be individually selected and colored it can be very time consuming (and a true test of patience). No matter though, it is all new to me and therefore the interest of learning something different is a strong driver. That, and a constant supply of whiskey & coke to keep my mind sufficiently diluted from reality...

Boredom

I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up at 5a.m. and made a pixel image (sprite) of robocop. Why? Because I'm awesome.

This was my first attempt at making pixel art so I don't think it turned out too bad, especially considering I did the whole thing with the default color palette. Maybe next I'll do Robocop riding a majestic unicorn.

Rocky Votolato

Last night Rocky Votolato came to Phoenix for two stops on his living room tour. It was a little awkward at first (chilling in a complete stranger's living room...sober) but everyone there was laid back, and a small setting is by far the best possible venue for his folk-style music. After the show I made fun of him because he is short, and he said he liked my tshirt (Thank you Tracie!)...Did we just become best friends?!

Not sure why but my haircut looks like something the fat kid in 4th grade had...

The Refund

I am not going to lie to you my friends...I have said many bad things about Indians in my day. Terrible things. It is common knowledge that Indians love to steal shoestrings, get drunk, make & sell meth, and then use their incalculable casino earnings to steal more shoestrings, get more drunk, and make & sell more meth. Its pretty much all they do. I don't know why they live like this, but I'm pretty sure that it has been proven by science at least 100 times that Indians are crazy, and should be treated as wild animals if encountered in person.

This being said, I found myself completely flummoxed yesterday when I got home and grabbed my mail. Among the usual bills and 12 lbs. of advertisements/coupon rags I found a letter from 'The Navajo Nation Judicial Branch' addressed to me. "What in the god damn hell did I do this time!?" I thought to myself. I of course raced through any questionable events that I had been a part of over the last few weeks that may have upset these noble savages: Getting drunk and passing out in a random driveway at 6am on the edge of the reservation, Speeding...in one of at least two dozen radar controlled strecthes of road in the valley and near the reservation, and lastly, getting drunk and going to the casino and making an ass of myself while winning $200 of delicious tax free Indian money. The only reasonable scenario seemed to be a radar speeding ticket. Luckily for me I didn't immediately throw the envelope in the trash like any sober person in that position would have done. That is when I shit my pants (not literally, but you know what I mean)...

Take a look at the contents for yourself and I'm pretty sure you will guess my reaction, I'm pretty sure this NEVER fucking happens (click on them for full size):



What happened is: I got a speeding ticket just outside of the "Four Corners" area in Arizona almost two years ago, the citing officer apparently never turned in the paperwork or documented the stop in any way so the police department was forced to send me back the money I paid for the ticket. You may be thinking exactly what I was thinking at first: "Holy shit I am lucky!" This is wrong. After a little contemplation and feeling of remorse for the bad things I had said about Indians of all the lands of the earth, I realized these feeling were unfounded and this refund was an inevitability. Do you want to know the facts my friends? That Navajo that ticketed me didn't simply forget to do his paperwork, in fact, I'm willing to bet that he was most likely drunk, immediately following the stop he drove straight to the nearest liquor store, purchased a cheap bottle of whiskey, and while fumbling through his pockets for any kind of change or currency to pay for his fix he accidentally threw out the original copy of the citation with all of his other liquor store receipts from that week.

God bless the alcoholic, shoestring stealing, meth addict! That timely refund just bought my mom a christmas present, and the $200 that I won at the local casino on Saturday will be used for more of the same!

Bomb the Music Industry!

Yes, these apes played in Phoenix last night and blew a crater five miles wide into the earth. It was an acceptable display of ass kick.

The Bachelor Party Invite

This is a simple response to a bachelor party invite I received for a friend of mine (actual names have been changed for obvious reasons). I did not include the entire email chain so you may not understand some of the references, but I think you will get the basic idea trying to be conveyed:



I will not be able to make it to the festivities, not because of scheduling conflicts or budget constraints, but because I would rather shit in my own mouth than spend anymore time with you all than what it takes to write this email. Please do not take offence to this as my decision is not based on anything any of you has ever done to me, its just that I have layers upon layers of psychological issues/scars that stretch back nearly two decades. I fear that if put into an elegant spa-like atmosphere with this emotionally charged group I may lose it completely and end up hurting(killing) myself, or worse, every anglo-saxon male over the age of 17 within a 400 mile radius for absolutely no reason at all. Thus said, I am sure you will all understand and accept this, my formal decline of invitation, for Mr. Lieberdowski's celebration commemorating the end of his long and devoted celibacy.

I would, however, like to participate in spirit if you all would allow me the pleasure. I will be mirroring your activities from Arizona in any way that I shall deem appropriate.

For instance, I plan on waking up at 8am (10am central), right about the same time you will be starting your trek to the spa, I will be watching internet porn and masturbating for the full 1hr 15min duration of your spa treatment. The reason for this is to pay homage to the many many years leading up to this joyous occasion that Hank spent alone in a desolate, dark, lonely room late at night, beating the shit out of his own dick to internet pornography.

Just as all of you are reaching the gentle flows of the Raccoon River, I will be returning from the local Quick Trip with a case of PBR bottles, 7 Mega Burritos, a bag of Cheetos brand Puffs, 2 packs of World of Warcraft ‘Heroes of Azeroth’ Trading Card Game trading cards, a Jack’s Pepperoni frozen pizza, and a bottle of Alieve. There are, at all times, at least two fifths of Evan Williams whiskey in my cabinets that I keep close for desperate situations such as this. Back at my fortified and well stocked Bell Rd compound I will commence drinking heavily and eating gluttonously while watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy on my high def TV, watching American Psycho on a continuous loop on the secondary TV, playing World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King in window-mode on the computer, participating in two $50 buy-in WSOP qualifier tournaments, and downloading the most recent episodes of The Colbert Report. There is no underlying reason for these activities, they are simply my regular Saturday routine. I feel they are sufficient diversions in themselves and no changes need to be made to this routine in order to comply with the standards of Mr. Lieberdowskis’ bachelor party.

By the time you have finished the tubing adventure I will be roaming the valley foothills, drunk and brain-fried from booze and visual/sonic sensory overload, looking for some naturally growing peyote cactus to eat to bring me into a full-on hallucinatory dreamstate much like in the movie Young Guns. The reason I will put myself into such a psychotic state of mental collapse is because I want to experience what Hank Lieberdowski must have been feeling when he came to the conclusion that he wanted to throw away his vitality/virility/sanity…freedom…and get married.

At this point it will only be appx 7pm AZ time but I will already be naked and blistered by sunburn, roaming the Superstition Mountains, consumed by insanity, and searching for the fabled Peralta family treasure that was lost in the Mine of the Lost Dutchman in 1847. I figure if I can survive this surely fatal mad-dog craziness, somehow actually find the elusive Peralta treasure that has evaded treasure hunters for over 150 years, and come out unscathed on the otherside with my mind miraculously still intact…I may, and I stress may, be able to understand the decision making process that Mr. Lieberdowski underwent to come to his present situation and standing.

I may be wrong with my reasoning here, but isn’t the real purpose of these ‘Bachelor Parties’ to help us all understand and support a fellow comrade and his decision to leave the ranks of manhood where he was king of his domain, only to become a secondary mammal in the service of another for the rest of his life? I certainly think so. Lets not allow this ‘Bachelor Party’ to become another excuse to drink and act belligerent as a release from our jobs/wives/kids/bills/etc… Lets really honor our friend, let us go through his pain and give Tecmo Bowl High Fives if we are able to survive to see the otherside of real insanity. This isn’t just a party…this is a motherfucking freight train coming straight at us and there is no safe option for jumping off the track. We need to face this thing head-on like savage warriors driven by pure adrenaline facing a lethal and unpredictable enemy…this battle has no certain outcome. Victory is not guaranteed, prepare for the worst. This storm will surely pass, but not without casualties. Be strong my friends. I will see you on the otherside.

Tragedy

When George Lucas remastered the Star Wars trilogy (4-6) I was, as were all real fans, extremely disappointed, but nothing was as tragic as when that son of a bitch took out the Ewok victory song "Yub Nub" at the end of the movie. I threw my tv out the fucking window and then hid under my covers for the next 12 hours thinking that the apocalypse was surely nigh. Luckily the world didn't end, but maybe we would all be better off if it had...

Here is the original end of movie celebration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5XG1nSlxuI

...and here is the remastered ending (WARNING: Only watch if you are prepared for uncontrollable violence! I will not be held responsible if you throw your t.v. out the window and into the street like I did):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHX3mAbyrs&feature=related

The Boss

When I hit the dance floor playtime is fucking over...

A Gem of Truth...Perhaps

In a recent email chain my friends and I were discussing Cherokee Indians and Religion (yes), when one of the best rants I have ever heard sprang forth out of the confusion. See for yourself:


Culla I hate you.

Here is a lesson from a from a real Cherokee, not some made up god-loving Cherokee because we all know that Indians don't believe in God, they believe in vengeance and malice.

"When time gets you down you should gamble. And I don't mean play the penny slots or even a $5 blackjack game – I mean fucking gamble. Bet what you can't afford on a game that you can never beat. Betting large when you know you are going to lose is the sign of a true Indian. Every other bet should hold the keys to your future in its grasp. Your anus should be so puckered up from the excitement that you couldn't shit a pea. Now that's how you fucking know you are fucking gambling.

And when you lose your breathes get shorter and shorter and more difficult to come by, as you feel the malignant cancer in your brain start to grow and grow, feeding off of your incessant aggression. You feel lethal. On the verge of frenzy. You want to kill, not just yourself, but everyone in the casino…but not until you rape the dealer who just fist-fucked you first.

And after that is all said and done you drink. And I don't mean have a beer or two and call it a night. I mean fucking drink! Grab a bottle of whiskey, scotch, and bourbon (that way you cover all whiskey types) and dive in. Do not look for hope, because there is none. Your only hope lies in an empty bottle. So drink until the bottle is empty. Once this is accomplished you have a bevy of options ahead of you – piss yourself, make sexist comments, howl at the moon, pay a stripper to give you a rim-job…while you pee, poop on the floor, poop on someones chest, paint yourself in war paint and take someones scalp, fart on a white-man's hair, do your laundry, and so on and so forth. I think you get the picture.

Lastly, you load up a shotgun. And no I don't mean a make-believe shotgun. I mean a real fucking shotgun, double-barreled, preferably sawed-off. You load it, you point it to your brain, and you pull the fucking trigger. Why? I'll tell you why… You are a fucking Indian. And you my friend, are fucking mad. And you are not going to take it anymore."

Let that be a lesson for all of us. Now Culla, go back to your kiddy-porn and your fairy-tales while all the rest of us wallow in self-pity and booze.

The Exorcist

My Friend

One time I went to Hy-Vee and bought one of those whole rotisserie chickens because, well, because i was really hungry. On the way home I named that bird Sir William Rothschild III and we spoke about a range of topics from the government and political upheavals in the east, to the nature of man and the true meaning of good and evil. Sir William had some brilliant insight and was an avid student of Nietzsche and Hume. His views, though slightly skewed by todays standards, were refreshing and invigorating, they strayed from the common rhetoric used by many rich uninspired ivy league graduates who all too often ramble off quote after quote without implementing any of their own opinions. I asked him if he had any ambitions to run for office in the future or if he planned to stay with strictly avian endeavors. His response was a drawn out dirge of self-righteous theories about the solidarity of man and a few biblical references to the apocalypse. During his rant I realized that he didn't know anything because he was just a delicious rotisserie chicken...and he was getting cold. So I ate that bird. I ate the whole damn thing.

The Lunch Invite

Seth...: Lunch today???

Me...: Let us divulge our senses with the succulent smells and flavors at an omnipotent franchise of the fast food industry. With their ever increasing social awareness and health conciencious menu items one would be led to believe that they stand for more than just greedy capitalist driven ends. Even their employees are beginning to be offered medical insurance and 401k plans. OR is this recent trend of charity an ends to a means of evil that began over 20 years ago? Are the excercise programs, fund raising events, and youth leadership programs the final nail into the coffin of hopeless dependence that these giants of food service have built for us? We wander like cattle into the doors of these death camps and willingly pay these zealots to drain our vitality through delicious yet empty foods. We are left wanting more after a half hour because our bodies recieved plenty of substance but with a sizable lack of vital nutrients. The human body and mind will continue to function but only as a puppet continues to function at the hand of its master. With each juicy double cheeseburger we are bartering our spiritual essence and ambition, and yes, in return we do receive a delightful treat that satisfies the desire for the moment but leaves us groggy and drained of energy later. With this lack of energy it is much harder for a person to find the will to get up and prepare a proper meal later and this laziness drives us mindlessly back through the doors of the death machine for more mind controll serum. I've seen it all a hundred times. Let us unite my brother and take a stand for our longevity sake and our soul's sake against these pagan demons of capitalist mockery! Let us join hands with our obese brethren and sing the songs of rebellion unto the spires of the megaconglomerate fortresses of evil! Our song will resound with such power as to crack the very foundations under the seats of these grotesque pushers of sin and gluttony. With time we will see the weight of their corruption bring them down in a crumbling landslide of broken tyranny and egoisms, and we will watch it all fall deep into the abyssmal depths of the nothingness that is the hell reserved for such over-indulgers. But first lets grab a bite to eat...how about 11:45?

Seth...: You need help...