Here we are again my friends, yet another year is coming to pass. What does this mean for you, me, and the world? It means a time for reflection on our past victories and transgressions, and also a look forward to the promising future. I myself love looking back on the year that passed to laugh at all the stupid shit that I did, hearts I broke, laws of physics I completely ignored, and horrid moral decisions that I have made to get me to 12/31/2009. There are only two words in the English language (Ebonics included) that can describe my year...and my life for that matter, and those words are "Fucking Awesome."
I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:
1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others
Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:
1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.
In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:
1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.
Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.
We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...
I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:
1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others
Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:
1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.
In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:
1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.
Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.
We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...
I very much enjoy the picture you have added to this blog; however, I would just like to point out that you’re not really an American. Let me start you down the right path in regards to what it means to be an “American Man,” this is a category where you seem to be struggling. Please follow along and answer yes or no as applicable;
ReplyDeleteA) Do you eat red meat?
B) Do you own a large caliber weapon?
C) Do you smoke?
D) Do you go to war?
E) Do you hate Native Americans?
F) Do you own a 2nd large caliber weapon?
G) Do you have any articles of clothing that display the American Flag?
H) Do you drink heavily?
I) Do you shout obscenities and ‘boo’ when foreign nation anthems are being played?
J) Do you have a horn on your vehicle that honks “Dixie?”
K) Do you laugh at the idea of a “carbon footprint?”
L) Do you own a 3rd large caliber weapon?
M) Have you always wanted your very own Knight Industries Two Thousand?
N) Do you run moonshine?
O) Do you hate persons from the Middle East?
P) Is John Wayne your hero?
Q) Should the US government increase revenue and decrease illegal immigration by adding an “illegal immigrant hunting season?”
R) Do you own a 4th large caliber weapon?
S) Does Pamela Anderson have great tits?
If you have answered ‘no’ to any of these questions then I’m sorry, but you are not a true American man. I suspect, by looking at the photo that you posted you have answered no to a lot of these questions...which, makes you French.
By the way….nice BB gun.