Sometimes it can take tedious amounts of persuasion to talk a friend into committing to a weekend of violent alcoholism with a strong possibility of long-term incarceration. In situations such as these it is best to go for the throat from the start and not let them have a chance to think anything but the trip is a viable option. Below is the actual email I sent to two friends to come and get drunk with me in the near future (names have been changed for obvious reasons):
Mr. Grundlespunk,
Jew,
You should probably be here for this too. Don't give me no bullshit like you can't come because you are too busy or can't get work off...you fucking make this happen. I can't promise that this trip will be worth the time, money, effort, or pain that will result from it, but that has never stopped any of us from doing something considered timely, costly, demanding, or self-destructive in the past. Am I right? Fuck yes I am. You want me to keep preaching this gospel? OK motherfucker, here goes:
We as a nation have never been trapped in a more desperate time of crisis and hysteria. Everyday people all around us are fading fast from a severe lack of personal identity and complacency that is, at the least, cause for alarm and in dire need of decisive action. I don't know what you plan on doing about it, but I, a proud citizen of the United States of America, am willing to pick up the banner of hope and start giving back to this great nation in the only way that I know how...getting drunk as fuck. However I can not do this alone. A lone man drinking himself into the planes of oblivion, wandering the streets yelling obscenities into the heavens, all while stark naked and carrying a golf club in one hand and a bottle of Evan Williams in the other would be considered nothing less than completely insane and would no doubt be quickly arrested with force and extreme prejudice, locked up, and most likely left to rot while the world he was trying to save slowly withered away. BUT when great minds come together, no matter their mental state or inebriation level, their passion for truth exudes from their very being and infects all those lucky enough to witness the greatness that inevitably follows in their wake. This will be the beginning of a revolution! All that is needed is a catalyst, and I'm sure you've noticed from past gatherings of our triumvirate that nothing short of greatness can result from our combined efforts. Don't think of this as a mere weekend trip to get away from work and drink with some old friends, this reunion will be the lone seed whose eventual fruit will guide the children of this land forward into the unknown future with strength in their hearts and courage in their souls. Our actions will bring the people of all the great nations together as one. Our theories and ideals shall be recorded and studied by the greatest minds in the world. Our words will be sung by the masses in the spirit of unity. Our foes shall fall before the force of our convictions and their punishment will be swift and without remorse.
I hope that these words are not falling on deaf ears, Jewlius. I am not making this shit up. If you are afraid to utilize your full potential as a man, then feel free to sit at home that weekend and play nintendo. But if you are prepared to party in such a way that it could literally change the course of history of mankind forever, possibly even physically alter the face of the earth itself, then we will see you on the weekend of February 11-14.
Respectfully,
Loch Ness Monster
