My Letter to HR

My simple inquiry to Human Resources about the appearance standards of our company. I have changed the names for obvious reasons:


Hello Samantha,

I would like to know if there are any restraints for Nationwide employee's in regards to facial hair? I am in the early stages of growing a full beard so bountiful and magnificent that it would likely make Paul Bunyan feel inadequate and childish. Can you verify for me if this sort of thing is frowned upon, or am I free to grow a flowing beard that would make my chin look comparable to cousin "It" from the Addam's Family?


Thank You,

Jongo

---

Jongo,

Per my voice mail I am responding to your question around facial hair.

Nationwide does not have a specific policy that addresses facial hair and/or any stipulations in regards to facial hair, however policy guide section 3.1 references (see below) that Nationwide associates should always present a professional image. With that being said, Nationwide would have no problem with you growing facial hair as long as it remains clean and professional at all times. As far as the question you presented with regards to if it will be frowned upon I would just recommend you be aware that each person that views you will have their own opinion and may voice that opinion, so being aware that this will/may happen should also be taken into consideration when determining whether or not you will grow out your facial hair.

If you have any questions/concerns. Please feel free to call me at the number below and we can discuss further.

3.1 - As a Nationwide associate, you should always present a professional image to internal and external customers and the public.

---

Hello Samantha,

I just got your vm's today, thank you for checking on this for me. I will do my best to maintain my beard by the highest standards of our times and I shall display an equally impressive demeanor to match. I understand that not everyone approves of this practice but I am willing to receive such neglect as they are willing to deliver. Throughout history many great men have had great beards and they are very recognizable from this one simple trait, I would like to count myself among their echelons. Not to mention it would be a great disservice to myself to deny my face the ability to express itself. A well worn beard can be a very imposing feature demanding the respect of peers and colleagues alike, matched with my already dominating 6'8" stature my new visage could draw references to the great Abraham Lincoln, or dare I say...a brown-haired Poseidon.

As stated, your assistance has been invaluable and I cannot thank you enough for your time. Please enjoy your day and be comforted knowing that there does still exist those not afraid to proudly wave their personal chin flags in salute to the American way and to personal expression.


Thank You,

Jongo

Got Questions?

I had a good idea today while thinking about the vagaries of mankind's oft confusing existence. I was suddenly taken by an overwelming compassion for my fellow man and felt a great desire help all these poor sheep on their journey through this strange gambit we call life. My inspiration and motivation came from the simplest of sources, a WWJD bracelet. Thats right, I asked myself "What would Jesus do?" The answer was easy enough, I need to help these people to see more clearly the truths that life contains. This is indeed a large and very complex task to undertake but it it can be accomplished. So, I did what the saying on the popular little bracelets says, I asked What would Jesus Do? It was like a bolt of lightning struck my head, a tremor shook my feet, and a bowel movement rocked my intestines all at the same time. I realized that Jesus has to answer these retarded questions EVERY SINGLE DAY! Probably in the neighborhood of 500,000,000 a day! At first I feared for his sanity but soon a calm collectedness came over me. In my moment of clarity I decided to take some of the burden off of his shoulders and field some of the questions for him. After all, self sacrifice is in itself salvation. So, if you have questions that you do not have answers to then ask away my child. Ask and be enlightened. I will answer you right here and bring clarity where there was once confusion. Like God and Jesus, my answers are likely to be very deep and vague and well beyond your capacity for cognitive reasoning, the truth of them might not be apparent on the surface, assuredly though, the truth they will contain. In the spirit of brotherhood and love I ask that you come to me for advice for all of your deepest quandaries. Always remember, Jongo helps those who help themselves.

P.S. - If Jesus hasn't been answering your prayers its probably because he's been focusing more on his acting career lately. For example:



"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter." Looks like cinemagraphic perfection to me! Here is the actual print from the back of the box:
"The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to Earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight. Combining Kung-fu action with Biblical prophecy and a liberal dose of humor, the film teams the Savior with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos against mythological horrors and science gone mad and also manages to address contemporary sexual politics. And did we mention that it's a musical? This sure ain't Sunday school."

Hey everybody has to start somewhere right? I think Jesus decided to start right there at the top with this one.

Life, Reflections, and the Truth of Me

So, I was sitting here tonight reflecting on my life and the many strange and wonderful paths that it has led me down. I couldn't help but to get a little nostalgic with the memories. It is strange that when you look back on all the paths of your life that it can make you so happy and sad at the same time. I think it is because when we reflect on these good times we know that they will never be again. Sure, we all will have good times, experience crazy adventures, and make new friends, but deep down it somehow seems like it will never be as good again. As I was sitting there a moment of clairvoyance washed over me and I realized that I was wrong, it wasn't the nostalgia or memories that was making me feel these strange feelings...it was me coming down out of an eight day heroine induced coma that was brought on when I locked myself in my room for two weeks straight with two kilo's of pure columbian heroine, enough household chemicals to kill a family of elephants, and three gallons of jack daniels. When I came to conciousness once again I realized that I was sleeping on a pillow of my own vomit and feces, and my room smelled like a guano cave. I also noticed two dead hookers messily shoved into the corner of my closet. As I sat there picking fecal matter out of my hair and digging through the dead hookers pockets trying to find some more heroine/coke/meth...anything that would send me back into the sweet embrace of hallucinatory dreamland just a little longer...I saw myself in the mirror. I was shaken to my very foundations. What had happened to me? How could I possibly let myself slip into such a state? I decided right then and there, staring myself in the eyes, that I would never let this tragedy happen ever again. It was time to make some changes. I decided that I needed to stop wasting so much money on whores so that I would have more money to spend on drugs.

Czar

Cousin sent me this article on a product called Salvia Divinorum. My response:

Iowa's "Drug Czar" sounds like a sociopath, and there are many like him in control over most of the US. What the hell kind of official title is "Czar" anyway? Every drug czar in America should be placed in stocks on the front steps of their county courthouse and be forced to face public ridicule and humiliation until every citizen agrees their narcissism has been quelled. The whole idea about criminalizing a substance is as outdated and archaic as the word czar itself. Lets go get high.

Retort

A friend recently sent me one of those long-winded propaganda/bullshit emails that most people normally just delete within 4 seconds of opening, I however decided to respond with a long-winded retort. Fight fire with fire. After sending I decided to actually look up the guy who wrote the original content so I could email him a bit of my sarcasm as well. As it turns out this guy David Kaiser didn't write the email and even posted a blog in his own defense. This fact kind of took the fun out of my mission but I decided to post my rant anyway because there is still some truth in it:


He is both right and wrong. The primary flaw in his rant is the same thing that is wrong with all people who rant to clear their conscience, he made no effort at all to reach a resolution to anything he said. Just saying "Everything is fucked!" is the easy way out. He makes several sweeping generalizations and then backs the whole thing up by saying he has studied history his entire life. Alright then Mr. Historian, instead of sitting in your lonely apartment writing vague rants crapping on everything from education, to gay marriage, to how America as a whole is the blackhole that will eventually collapse inward on itself taking the world with it; you should use some of your advice and actually apply your huge knowledge base to think critically and actually write something that may inspire the change you seem to want so desperately. Oh yeah, don't forget to articulate on what you say, wouldn't want someone to mistake you for another graduate of a dumbed down educational system that no longer teaches our history and why we as a country are exceptional and worth preserving...

This guy is an idiot. America has always had a majority population of retards, inbreds, self-loathing assholes, selfish pricks, etc, etc, etc..., but then again so has England, China, Spain, Russia, the fucking Moon, and even Atlantis (wherever it is under the waves). BUT, there has also always been the elite few who rise to the top and herd these sheep forward. Not everyone wants the revolution, most people are content to simply coast through their entire life without ever caring about the state of their economy, country, or world. If everyone was a genius then no one would be. You see it's not that we need more smart people, we have plenty all around us, the thing we are lacking sorely is independent thinkers. In this country especially we spend almost the entirety of our formative years being force fed religion, political affiliation, social ideals, world views, and all the way down to the sports teams we like. This is all fine but most people never learn to think for themselves, stop being a receptacle for gossip, and start being a catalyst for ideas. It takes a great deal of effort to break free from these mental cages but it can be done and every single generation has several iconic figures that break the mold and in essence change the world.

Mediocrity is not a plague that needs to be purged, but a phase of comfort and peace of mind resulting from the many flourishing years our country has earned. Indeed it does appear alarming at first glance. Times like these where there is a heavy burden of fear/uncertainty in the air generally tend to awaken exactly the kind of people that we will need to pull us out of the cesspool. Throughout all of human history it has been proven that desperation fuels average people to achieve great things.

Aside from this guy being a complete narcissist, he is judgmental, intolerant, and a finger pointer. I've had bacterial infections on my dick that I had more respect for. I love how he heralds his career as a historian (as if it were something of great importance), then with all the clairvoyance of an adolescent he jumps right on the ol' "Obama is Hitler" bandwagon. That whole con about Obama, and how his socialist ideals are direct links to a new Hitlerian dictatorship are childish at best and I'm surprised that anyone with any education at all takes them seriously. I didn't vote for Obama, and I don't necessarily think he is a great president, but he is also not going to destroy America. The real tragedy was Bush. Anyone who voted George W. Bush into the White House for two consecutive terms should not even be allowed to speak publicly for a minimum of 76 years.

Anyway, I'm on the verge of turning this into a hateful rant of my own so I will digress. This kind of propaganda should be read for its entertainment value only. There is no substance to it. Have faith in the future, or at least don't jump on these ridiculous bandwagons unless you feel like trying to help with the change. Lets not promote these apes until they learn to walk upright and stop throwing their own poop at each other...

Well, that was fun! When are we going to drink ourselves into oblivion again? Mr. Grundlespunk said you guys might drive out here for a few days in April? Let me know if it happens. I will start preparing my liver and colon for the worst.

New Roommate

When I was jogging yesterday I found a turtle trying to kill himself by lying on his back in the middle of the path. What a stupid asshole. So, I took him home and named him Wade Boggs. This little son of a bitch knows how to party!

Persuasion

Sometimes it can take tedious amounts of persuasion to talk a friend into committing to a weekend of violent alcoholism with a strong possibility of long-term incarceration. In situations such as these it is best to go for the throat from the start and not let them have a chance to think anything but the trip is a viable option. Below is the actual email I sent to two friends to come and get drunk with me in the near future (names have been changed for obvious reasons):

Mr. Grundlespunk,

It doesn't sound like we'll have time to take the dirtbikes out unless we go right after you land on Thursday, but if you feel like getting crazy on them (I always do) I can make it a reality. Otherwise I was thinking we could find some cheap tee-times and go get drunk while beating the shit out of golf carts and fairways... Other than those two scenarios we have the usual bar/fight/nudity/near-death/run-from-the-law/howl at the moon options to choose from. We can also gamble the whole time if nothing else.

Jew,

You should probably be here for this too. Don't give me no bullshit like you can't come because you are too busy or can't get work off...you fucking make this happen. I can't promise that this trip will be worth the time, money, effort, or pain that will result from it, but that has never stopped any of us from doing something considered timely, costly, demanding, or self-destructive in the past. Am I right? Fuck yes I am. You want me to keep preaching this gospel? OK motherfucker, here goes:

We as a nation have never been trapped in a more desperate time of crisis and hysteria. Everyday people all around us are fading fast from a severe lack of personal identity and complacency that is, at the least, cause for alarm and in dire need of decisive action. I don't know what you plan on doing about it, but I, a proud citizen of the United States of America, am willing to pick up the banner of hope and start giving back to this great nation in the only way that I know how...getting drunk as fuck. However I can not do this alone. A lone man drinking himself into the planes of oblivion, wandering the streets yelling obscenities into the heavens, all while stark naked and carrying a golf club in one hand and a bottle of Evan Williams in the other would be considered nothing less than completely insane and would no doubt be quickly arrested with force and extreme prejudice, locked up, and most likely left to rot while the world he was trying to save slowly withered away. BUT when great minds come together, no matter their mental state or inebriation level, their passion for truth exudes from their very being and infects all those lucky enough to witness the greatness that inevitably follows in their wake. This will be the beginning of a revolution! All that is needed is a catalyst, and I'm sure you've noticed from past gatherings of our triumvirate that nothing short of greatness can result from our combined efforts. Don't think of this as a mere weekend trip to get away from work and drink with some old friends, this reunion will be the lone seed whose eventual fruit will guide the children of this land forward into the unknown future with strength in their hearts and courage in their souls. Our actions will bring the people of all the great nations together as one. Our theories and ideals shall be recorded and studied by the greatest minds in the world. Our words will be sung by the masses in the spirit of unity. Our foes shall fall before the force of our convictions and their punishment will be swift and without remorse.

I hope that these words are not falling on deaf ears, Jewlius. I am not making this shit up. If you are afraid to utilize your full potential as a man, then feel free to sit at home that weekend and play nintendo. But if you are prepared to party in such a way that it could literally change the course of history of mankind forever, possibly even physically alter the face of the earth itself, then we will see you on the weekend of February 11-14.

Respectfully,

Loch Ness Monster

RFTIMU

An ongoing Twitter commentary between myself and my friend Tomeeko. WTF is RFTIMU you ask? RFTIMU stands for Random Fact That I Made Up...and here are the facts as given by Tomeeko and me:

Tomeeko

Year400billion

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RFTIMU: The Sun actually rotates so that its rear is always facing the Earth; essentially it can be considered that the Sun is mooning the Earth.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: birds have the ability to see the future...but they won't tell anyone.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Cell phones actually have no risk of causing a person to develop brain tumors, they can however force you to become racist...

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Michael Jackson has been cloned...his name is Faruk Basol and he lives in Ecuador.

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RFTIMU: Bon Jovi's father was a high ranking general in the SS and reported directly to Adolf Hitler.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: If you boil 2 eggs in whiskey you get olive garden dressing.

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RFTIMU: Batman is not a bat, he is actually more like a condor.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Cheese can cure cancer, as well as plan a mean after party.

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RFTIMU: Adolf Hitler was born in La Fonda, Mexico, and his favorite food is fish tacos with a radish and lime garnish.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Godzilla has a degree in psychology as well as topography...so he can know the lay of the land.

year400billion
RFTIMU: The average lifespan of black people is 0 yrs...black people don't exist, they are really cyborgs.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Tyranosaurus Rex and Brontasaurus used to be best friends until T-Rex fucked Bronty's mom.

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RFTIMU: Jean-Claude Van Damme has done the splits in 473 movies since 1984.

In a Man's World...

Just an interesting and funny observation someone made on a blog I saw earlier today, he wrote: "You know how Google sometimes “predicts” what you might be searching for by giving you a little drop down menu of suggested search queries? These suggestions, of course, are based on what other users frequently search. So I tried teasing out some gender differences. Look at the picture below."



The search engine predicts the top ten potential topics that it thinks you may be looking for, and in itself is an amazing study in anthropology how each one answers...itself:

(1)

Women - Want to get their boyfriends to propose.

Men - Want more blowjobs.

Conclusion - Ladies...this is sooo damn simple...suck more dick and there may be wedding bells in your future!

(2)

Women - Want their man to spend more time with them.

Men - Want their lady to have sex more.

Conclusion - Ladies...another easy one, start spreadin' those legs you goddamn prudes.

(3)

Women - Want their men to love them again.

Men - Want their girl to lose weight.

Conclusion - Ladies...stop fucking eating. Holy shit.

(4)

Women - Want their men to trust them more.

Men - Want their women to trust them more.

Conclusion - Stop fucking each others friends. ...Or trade the whiney bitch/bastard in for a new one.

(5)

Women - Want their man to be more romantic.

Men - Want their woman to love them more.

Conclusion - Ladies...stop fucking assholes. Men...stop being pussies.

(6)

Women - Want their man to stop smoking.

Men - Want their woman to shave. (what the fuck?)

Conclusion - This one is an anomaly as it seems like it is exactly reversed from what I was expecting, but I digress. Ladies...really? You are not shaving? Clean yourselves up you wooly fucking Banthors! Men...I don't see how you have done anything wrong, please continue to smoke (preferably during sex) and if you are not coming home drunk at least four times a week then you need to start hitting the bar harder too.

(7)

Women - Want their man to be more affectionate.

Men - Want to get rid of their whiney bitch girlfriend.

Conclusion - Isn't this one self-explanatory enough? Ladies...stop bitching. Please. Fucking shit cock.

(8)

Women - want their man to break up with them.

Men - want their girl to forgive them.

Conclusion - Ladies...you shallow conceited bitches, just end it, stop putting your guy through hell and forcing him to dump you just so you can get a month long pity party from all you whore friends. Guys...ummm, go get drunk.

(9)

Women - want their man to last longer in bed.

Men - want their woman to kiss them more.

Conclusion - Ladies...I think if you didn't exhaust your man with your endless fucking demands to boost your non-existent ego then he would have more energy to rail you when your undeserving feminist vagina (most likely unshaven) finally gets horny. Men...roofies.

(10)

Women - Want their man to stop drinking.

Men - Want their women to love them.

Conclusion - Ladies/Men...This one is a compromise. Ladies you want your man to stop drinking but you need to understand that the only time he can stand to be around you or talk to you is when he is drunk. Men you want your woman to love you but you need to understand that she is only happy when she is yelling at you or degrading you in front of your face to all the people she knows. The only thing to do is keep yelling, throw more punches, hate eachother more deeply, and at the end fuck harder than either of you have before in your lives.

I am amazed when I look at the accuracy of this "predictor", not to mention the simplicity. The search engine already knows what you want, and if you pay attention you can get your answer without even going to some bullshit webpage. Or, as always, you can refer to me for your relationship advice! I am a veritable cornucopia of sexual knowledge. Be not afraid to dip into my rich wellspring for advice, but don't be suprised if you are corrupted when you leave it. My taint touches all (literally...don't pass out at a party or I'll put it on your forehead and take a picture).

Dr. Flanigan Love III

Effective Advertising

Should it be considered mere coincidence that when I was driving to work this morning I happened to look up from the road for a moment and I saw Jesus Christ the lord staring directly back at me? Should it also be considered mere coincidence that the song playing on the radio at that moment was "No Lodging for the Mad" by The Taxpayers? I think not. Yeah, so what if the Jesus that was staring at me was from a christian propaganda billboard? Nothing inspires me to live cleanly and change my ways more than a giant, rusty, sky-blocking billboard telling me "Jesus Saves." And nothing accentuates that point more than an inspired song of frustration, defeat, and giving up playing on the radio while driving through bumper to bumper morning traffic.

I'm pretty sure this billboard has more truth to it than anything I learned in church...