Reflection

Here we are again my friends, yet another year is coming to pass. What does this mean for you, me, and the world? It means a time for reflection on our past victories and transgressions, and also a look forward to the promising future. I myself love looking back on the year that passed to laugh at all the stupid shit that I did, hearts I broke, laws of physics I completely ignored, and horrid moral decisions that I have made to get me to 12/31/2009. There are only two words in the English language (Ebonics included) that can describe my year...and my life for that matter, and those words are "Fucking Awesome."

I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:

1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others

Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:

1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.

In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:

1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.

Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.

We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...

For Frampton

You are welcome...

Clarity

It can be a painful shock to suddenly realize that you have been living your life all wrong. I experienced this bizarre panic tonight at 12:04 am while watching Sportcenter and jumping around on the internet in search of any sort of inspiration that might be out there waiting to punch me in the face.

I suppose I shouldn't say that I have been living my life all wrong, but it was one of those moments where you have a good bit of clarity and whiskey running through your brain, and a good portion of your life hurls by and all you can think about how a lot of it could have gone differently. For better or worse, this is where I found myself tonight. It was spurred by several recent events the most pertinent of which has been my utter lack of interest in my current career and the laziness that has kept me from leaving it for the past three years. It happens everyday, people lose themselves to complacency and comfort then slowly, and unnoticeably, they ferment into angry unpleasant beasts of intolerable wickedness.

I can feel the wickedness growing in me lately, driving away friends and acquaintances faster than I can react to my own horrifying decisions. Someday soon I will turn around looking for support for my collapsing soul and realize that I am the only one staring back, with a savage grin and deep sorrow in the eyes. From my reflections as of late the conclusion seems to be a sum of many small acts of pride that were small at the time they happened, are now compounding within my head in a perfect storm of helpless depression, confusion, and rage. There is no way to change the past but that is always the first stage with these things, to want to go back and change an action, say something differently, start over again...

Since there are no take-backs in this cruel life, we are forced to trudge forward through the hideous swamp of regret that (it seems from my perspective) many of us build for ourselves. There are few who truly ever get clean of that place. Some people reinvest themselves in the church. Others try to ignore all that has happened and push on as if they were reborn. I have never had time for either of these and have always tried to keep a hard line of truth with my thoughts and actions, but when one pushes all friends away there is no true correcting factor but myself, and at this point I can't trust myself with providing even a steady meal, much less auditing my thoughts and staying sane.

So what comes next? Well, another drink always seems to do the trick...

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A response I received from a true american hero:


After reading your blog "clarity" it really made me want to A) kill myself and B) kill myself while dressed like a gay clown. I feel that these emotions came over me in this very powerful and distinct way due to the sheer self deprecating emotions that I was reading from the page. I felt like I was covered in a blanket of self pity, hopelessness, and self loathing; while at the same time someone is smothering me with a pillow of despair. I'm not much with words, so I feel that I can best represent what I felt with the attached illustration.


Your non-friend,
JH

Spirit of the Season

If you were a snowman what would you look like? Me, I'd most likely be completely naked with a double whiskey coke in my left hand and a pair of awesome snowwoman boobs in the other. I would wake up every morning with the snowwoman version of Scarlett Johansson gently caressing my frosty snowboner, then we would go to Denny's to enjoy All-American Slams and discuss current events. Since I'm lazy here is the best depiction you will get:






My friend Absolute Zero sent me a picture of what he would look like, and it was remarkably accurate. See below:





The detail is staggering...the disheveled hair and rage filled face (from long sleepless nights filled with his deepening self-anger and loathing), the middle finger raised proud and high, and of course the fully automatic AK-47 with extended ammunition magazine. I'm pretty sure he is firing the gun into a crowd of all his vitality-sucking, soul-devouring, evil ex-girlfriends...good work my friend.

...And here is a picture I made of Mr.T. This picture is the embodiment of the holiday spirit, fuck those snowmen posted above. My awesomeness just skyrocketed past Jesus...suck on that Christians...

Animation

My first attempt at creating an animation...and it's not good. Posted anyway because I like to spread misery.

And here is Frampton's, it is an ongoing work in progress but 10x better than mine...