Clarity

It can be a painful shock to suddenly realize that you have been living your life all wrong. I experienced this bizarre panic tonight at 12:04 am while watching Sportcenter and jumping around on the internet in search of any sort of inspiration that might be out there waiting to punch me in the face.

I suppose I shouldn't say that I have been living my life all wrong, but it was one of those moments where you have a good bit of clarity and whiskey running through your brain, and a good portion of your life hurls by and all you can think about how a lot of it could have gone differently. For better or worse, this is where I found myself tonight. It was spurred by several recent events the most pertinent of which has been my utter lack of interest in my current career and the laziness that has kept me from leaving it for the past three years. It happens everyday, people lose themselves to complacency and comfort then slowly, and unnoticeably, they ferment into angry unpleasant beasts of intolerable wickedness.

I can feel the wickedness growing in me lately, driving away friends and acquaintances faster than I can react to my own horrifying decisions. Someday soon I will turn around looking for support for my collapsing soul and realize that I am the only one staring back, with a savage grin and deep sorrow in the eyes. From my reflections as of late the conclusion seems to be a sum of many small acts of pride that were small at the time they happened, are now compounding within my head in a perfect storm of helpless depression, confusion, and rage. There is no way to change the past but that is always the first stage with these things, to want to go back and change an action, say something differently, start over again...

Since there are no take-backs in this cruel life, we are forced to trudge forward through the hideous swamp of regret that (it seems from my perspective) many of us build for ourselves. There are few who truly ever get clean of that place. Some people reinvest themselves in the church. Others try to ignore all that has happened and push on as if they were reborn. I have never had time for either of these and have always tried to keep a hard line of truth with my thoughts and actions, but when one pushes all friends away there is no true correcting factor but myself, and at this point I can't trust myself with providing even a steady meal, much less auditing my thoughts and staying sane.

So what comes next? Well, another drink always seems to do the trick...

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A response I received from a true american hero:


After reading your blog "clarity" it really made me want to A) kill myself and B) kill myself while dressed like a gay clown. I feel that these emotions came over me in this very powerful and distinct way due to the sheer self deprecating emotions that I was reading from the page. I felt like I was covered in a blanket of self pity, hopelessness, and self loathing; while at the same time someone is smothering me with a pillow of despair. I'm not much with words, so I feel that I can best represent what I felt with the attached illustration.


Your non-friend,
JH