Keeping it Professional

This is the "about me" section of my companies internal social networking site. It is intended for professional interactions. I always keep it very, very professional:

"My vision of the future is one of perfect exposure classification, record breaking assistance turnaround time, and ethically sound dispute resolution. I've been asked many times what the secret to my success is and it all really comes down to a simple children's book: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. This book is a philosophical powerhouse and has had an overwhelming impact on most of the things I have done in my adult life. OK, I'm lying. This book has nothing to do with my technical expertise in regards to my career, however, I feel it should not be overlooked that both the caterpillar and myself love to eat food. Lots of food. That is our bond. And like the caterpillar, I too sometimes eat until I get a stomach ache."

...And here is the "Background Info" about me:

"Forged in the burning center of Mt. Finance, I am an unstoppable force of premium adjustment, calculation, and collection."