Got Questions?

I had a good idea today while thinking about the vagaries of mankind's oft confusing existence. I was suddenly taken by an overwelming compassion for my fellow man and felt a great desire help all these poor sheep on their journey through this strange gambit we call life. My inspiration and motivation came from the simplest of sources, a WWJD bracelet. Thats right, I asked myself "What would Jesus do?" The answer was easy enough, I need to help these people to see more clearly the truths that life contains. This is indeed a large and very complex task to undertake but it it can be accomplished. So, I did what the saying on the popular little bracelets says, I asked What would Jesus Do? It was like a bolt of lightning struck my head, a tremor shook my feet, and a bowel movement rocked my intestines all at the same time. I realized that Jesus has to answer these retarded questions EVERY SINGLE DAY! Probably in the neighborhood of 500,000,000 a day! At first I feared for his sanity but soon a calm collectedness came over me. In my moment of clarity I decided to take some of the burden off of his shoulders and field some of the questions for him. After all, self sacrifice is in itself salvation. So, if you have questions that you do not have answers to then ask away my child. Ask and be enlightened. I will answer you right here and bring clarity where there was once confusion. Like God and Jesus, my answers are likely to be very deep and vague and well beyond your capacity for cognitive reasoning, the truth of them might not be apparent on the surface, assuredly though, the truth they will contain. In the spirit of brotherhood and love I ask that you come to me for advice for all of your deepest quandaries. Always remember, Jongo helps those who help themselves.

P.S. - If Jesus hasn't been answering your prayers its probably because he's been focusing more on his acting career lately. For example:



"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter." Looks like cinemagraphic perfection to me! Here is the actual print from the back of the box:
"The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to Earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight. Combining Kung-fu action with Biblical prophecy and a liberal dose of humor, the film teams the Savior with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos against mythological horrors and science gone mad and also manages to address contemporary sexual politics. And did we mention that it's a musical? This sure ain't Sunday school."

Hey everybody has to start somewhere right? I think Jesus decided to start right there at the top with this one.

Life, Reflections, and the Truth of Me

So, I was sitting here tonight reflecting on my life and the many strange and wonderful paths that it has led me down. I couldn't help but to get a little nostalgic with the memories. It is strange that when you look back on all the paths of your life that it can make you so happy and sad at the same time. I think it is because when we reflect on these good times we know that they will never be again. Sure, we all will have good times, experience crazy adventures, and make new friends, but deep down it somehow seems like it will never be as good again. As I was sitting there a moment of clairvoyance washed over me and I realized that I was wrong, it wasn't the nostalgia or memories that was making me feel these strange feelings...it was me coming down out of an eight day heroine induced coma that was brought on when I locked myself in my room for two weeks straight with two kilo's of pure columbian heroine, enough household chemicals to kill a family of elephants, and three gallons of jack daniels. When I came to conciousness once again I realized that I was sleeping on a pillow of my own vomit and feces, and my room smelled like a guano cave. I also noticed two dead hookers messily shoved into the corner of my closet. As I sat there picking fecal matter out of my hair and digging through the dead hookers pockets trying to find some more heroine/coke/meth...anything that would send me back into the sweet embrace of hallucinatory dreamland just a little longer...I saw myself in the mirror. I was shaken to my very foundations. What had happened to me? How could I possibly let myself slip into such a state? I decided right then and there, staring myself in the eyes, that I would never let this tragedy happen ever again. It was time to make some changes. I decided that I needed to stop wasting so much money on whores so that I would have more money to spend on drugs.