The Refund

I am not going to lie to you my friends...I have said many bad things about Indians in my day. Terrible things. It is common knowledge that Indians love to steal shoestrings, get drunk, make & sell meth, and then use their incalculable casino earnings to steal more shoestrings, get more drunk, and make & sell more meth. Its pretty much all they do. I don't know why they live like this, but I'm pretty sure that it has been proven by science at least 100 times that Indians are crazy, and should be treated as wild animals if encountered in person.

This being said, I found myself completely flummoxed yesterday when I got home and grabbed my mail. Among the usual bills and 12 lbs. of advertisements/coupon rags I found a letter from 'The Navajo Nation Judicial Branch' addressed to me. "What in the god damn hell did I do this time!?" I thought to myself. I of course raced through any questionable events that I had been a part of over the last few weeks that may have upset these noble savages: Getting drunk and passing out in a random driveway at 6am on the edge of the reservation, Speeding...in one of at least two dozen radar controlled strecthes of road in the valley and near the reservation, and lastly, getting drunk and going to the casino and making an ass of myself while winning $200 of delicious tax free Indian money. The only reasonable scenario seemed to be a radar speeding ticket. Luckily for me I didn't immediately throw the envelope in the trash like any sober person in that position would have done. That is when I shit my pants (not literally, but you know what I mean)...

Take a look at the contents for yourself and I'm pretty sure you will guess my reaction, I'm pretty sure this NEVER fucking happens (click on them for full size):



What happened is: I got a speeding ticket just outside of the "Four Corners" area in Arizona almost two years ago, the citing officer apparently never turned in the paperwork or documented the stop in any way so the police department was forced to send me back the money I paid for the ticket. You may be thinking exactly what I was thinking at first: "Holy shit I am lucky!" This is wrong. After a little contemplation and feeling of remorse for the bad things I had said about Indians of all the lands of the earth, I realized these feeling were unfounded and this refund was an inevitability. Do you want to know the facts my friends? That Navajo that ticketed me didn't simply forget to do his paperwork, in fact, I'm willing to bet that he was most likely drunk, immediately following the stop he drove straight to the nearest liquor store, purchased a cheap bottle of whiskey, and while fumbling through his pockets for any kind of change or currency to pay for his fix he accidentally threw out the original copy of the citation with all of his other liquor store receipts from that week.

God bless the alcoholic, shoestring stealing, meth addict! That timely refund just bought my mom a christmas present, and the $200 that I won at the local casino on Saturday will be used for more of the same!