Friday, February 13, 2015
A look at yourself from a different perspective
Think for a moment about how many amazing people you may have already missed an opportunity to know because at a simple glance you may have assumed something untrue about them. The effect could be staggering! For example there a dozens of stories out there about a person going to an interview somewhere, and while grabbing a coffee on the way they may have cut someone off in line for coffee only to find out later that the person they cut off just happened to be the interviewer...or worse the owner of the company!
Be your best self everyday. Don't think your problems are bigger than anyone else. Just be a good person.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
The Impossible Goal of "Catching Up" on lost time
Not too long ago I Started listening to some very motivational and informative podcasts about starting a small business and being successful in life. Many of the guests would recommend books to read and I started buying them with the intention of learning everything that these already successful people have learned, I wanted to find the inspiration they found and follow the path they were on. Before I knew it I couldn't keep up with all of the podcasts that I was subscribed to, hadn't finished any of the books I had bought, and hadn't started a single one of the goals that I wanted to do.
Many people get caught in this game of trying to "catch up" with the people around them and this is ridiculous. Think about it. If you tried to read every book recommended by all the successful people around you, not to mention the fun books you simply wanted to read, the list could go on for days! You would be insane to think you cold get through them all. Then while you are trying to plow through and retain the info in them...even more books are released and recommended. You are building a mountain around your goal that is literally insurmountable. You are essentially creating a Sisyphus punishment for yourself.
Stop doing this. Simply get Started. Read a little here, listen to a podcast or two there, but most importantly: Get Started!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Music Metamorphasis
With music you can easily see this by going to youtube and looking up cover versions of your favorite songs. Chances are high that you will find dozens of videos with fans either trying to recreate the song themselves, or trying to put a completely different spin on it.
One of the most amazing transformations that I have found were two covers of a Bomb the Music Industry (BTMI) song called "FRRRREEEEE BIIIIIIRRRRD!!!!!!". The original version is a loud, chaotic, energy and sound bomb of punk/ska frustration:
Bomb the Music Industry - FRRRREEEEE BIIIIIIRRRRD!!!!!!
Then I found a video that was posted by a guy who played an accoustic version of this song at an open mic night as a "fuck you" to people who kept yelling for him to play Free Bird by Lynyrd Synyrd, and it came out awesome:
Evan R - "FRRRREEEEE BIIIIIIIRRRRD!!!!!! FRRRRREEEEEEEEE BIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!!" acoustic cover live
Lastly, Euro band called 7 Seconds of Love put together an amazing and emotional slow tempo version of the song. There is an amazong dichotomy between this version and the original and this one, but all versions are great and can hold a completely different feel than the original:
7 Seconds of Love - Bomb The Music Industry - Free Bird
Have a listen and see what you think. Creativity is awesome.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Motivation
Be vulnerable.
Do not be afraid that you are afraid, but do not let the fear stop you.
Give an honest effort.
Start right now. RIGHT NOW. Stop waiting "to be ready".
Put yourself out there.
Stop talking about what your are/were, start speaking in the voice of the person you want to become.
Pursue leads.
Screw up, and then get up and try again. Try again better.
Actually do the thing you want to do...If you want to learn how to do a good cross-over dribble in basketball, do you watch a bunch of videos and then talk about it or do you go to a basketball court and actually practice it? If you want to climb the Himilayas, stop complaining about never being able to afford it and start hiking/climbing any hills/mountains you have in your vicinity. If you want to backpack Europe, don't just daydream about it, start backpacking in your own town or state!
People can make up a million and one excuses why they can't or aren't living their dreams right now:
"I can't afford it."
"I am too busy / I don't have enough time."
"I'm not smart enough."
"My friends don't motivate me."
"I'm just not creative enough."
"I don't know how to meet people."
"My ideas are all dumb."
This self defeating crap ruins many dreams. It may be that it would simply be too much effort to pursue your dream. Or perhaps you are afraid of the change that would come to your life if you succeeded. Maybe You are afraid to try a new thing and fail. Maybe you are afraid of people laughing at you because "your idea is dumb."
Whatever your excuse is, know that it is you and only you that is stoping you from doing it. You may have a million and one reasons to not get up and start on your idea or dream right now...but there is only one small thing you would need to do to start to achieve it: Get up.
Get up right now. If you need to know more about your dream, start reading. If you need to build endurance for your dream, start walking. If you need to know more, start asking questions. If you want to actually have a fulfilling life, start being a part of life.
Get up, right now.
The paradox of "Being an Adult"
Look at behaviors of your co-workers. In most large corporate settings people often form clicks, gossip circles, and even ostracize other co-workers. If you study the behavior patterns in an large office or work environment you will find similarities in nearly all social patterns between the children and adults.
The idea of "acting like an adult" is profound because it implies, maturity, stoicism, wisdom/knowledge, yet most people's adult identities are complete acts. Take your boss, or the owner of your company for example, if you get them around a group of their high school or college buddies for a weekend you may see a completely different person come out. Get them around the parents and family again you may see a completely different person come out.
The paradox is that "being an adult" is largely just an act to maintain social orders or structures in a world of business, just the same as popularity, or nerdiness, or athleticism help maintain identity and order in school. Most of what we know about our coworkers or acquaintances is largely a wall of small and harmless lies. What a joke.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Transformation
1/20/2015
2 hard boiled eggs
2 cups black coffee
15 baby carrots
1 5oz chicken breast
1 garden salad
1/2 cup shredded cheese
20 oz protein shake (25g protein, 1 scoop creatine, 1/2 cup oats, 1 scoop peanut butter)
4 mini snickers
1 handful mixed nuts (unsalted)
3oz tilapia fillet
1.5 cups broccoli
1.3 mile walk at 4mph
Hiked Quartz Ridge trail
Gym - 12mins bike, 40lbs bar curls 3x12, 22.5lbs db military press 3x10, 75lbs machine bench 3x10, 32.5lbs tri extension 3x12, 90lbs lat pulldown 3x10, 3x20 crunches.
------------------------------------------
1/21/2015
2 hard boiled eggs
1 banana
1.5 scoops whey protein
1 tbsp chia seeds
2.5 cups 2% milk
1 5oz chicken breast
1 garden salad
1/2 cup cheese
1 yerba mate
2/3lbs lean ground sirloin with taco seasoning
1/2 cup shredded cheese
25 scoops tortilla chips
3 cups milk
20 jalepeno kettle chips
2x 1.3 mile walk
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Complacency Spiral
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Anniversary
Friday, August 26, 2011
Mid-year Review
"The future looks bright and I look to it with the confident resolve of a general looking over his victorious battlefield. I feel I have approached every opportunity that has come my way diligently and with an unshaken enthusiasm that would be the envy of peers and delight of managers alike. My only course of action going forward is to proceed with the same vigor and passion that has gotten me to where I am today both personally and professionally. Drive of this sort creates momentum; this momentum is hard to slow and even harder to stop, and thus fuels my unending pursuit of excellence and growth.
In any journey one will endure setbacks/detours/roadblocks, etc, the way in which these setbacks are handled and ultimately surpassed is the true measure of a persons convictions. If a person chooses to avoid all setbacks/detours/roadblocks, etc, it can show fear of change and lack of adaptability, and therefore less experiences and fewer chances to extract value from their chosen path. My path has shown me many peaks and valleys, and in the process has also presented an unparalleled experience from which my vision of the future has bloomed.
With the pace of business ever-increasing it is important to keep up, my intention is to lead the pack."
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Keeping it Professional
"My vision of the future is one of perfect exposure classification, record breaking assistance turnaround time, and ethically sound dispute resolution. I've been asked many times what the secret to my success is and it all really comes down to a simple children's book: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. This book is a philosophical powerhouse and has had an overwhelming impact on most of the things I have done in my adult life. OK, I'm lying. This book has nothing to do with my technical expertise in regards to my career, however, I feel it should not be overlooked that both the caterpillar and myself love to eat food. Lots of food. That is our bond. And like the caterpillar, I too sometimes eat until I get a stomach ache."
...And here is the "Background Info" about me:
"Forged in the burning center of Mt. Finance, I am an unstoppable force of premium adjustment, calculation, and collection."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Letter to HR
Hello Samantha,
I would like to know if there are any restraints for Nationwide employee's in regards to facial hair? I am in the early stages of growing a full beard so bountiful and magnificent that it would likely make Paul Bunyan feel inadequate and childish. Can you verify for me if this sort of thing is frowned upon, or am I free to grow a flowing beard that would make my chin look comparable to cousin "It" from the Addam's Family?
Thank You,
Jongo
Jongo,
Per my voice mail I am responding to your question around facial hair.
Nationwide does not have a specific policy that addresses facial hair and/or any stipulations in regards to facial hair, however policy guide section 3.1 references (see below) that Nationwide associates should always present a professional image. With that being said, Nationwide would have no problem with you growing facial hair as long as it remains clean and professional at all times. As far as the question you presented with regards to if it will be frowned upon I would just recommend you be aware that each person that views you will have their own opinion and may voice that opinion, so being aware that this will/may happen should also be taken into consideration when determining whether or not you will grow out your facial hair.
If you have any questions/concerns. Please feel free to call me at the number below and we can discuss further.
3.1 - As a Nationwide associate, you should always present a professional image to internal and external customers and the public.
Hello Samantha,
I just got your vm's today, thank you for checking on this for me. I will do my best to maintain my beard by the highest standards of our times and I shall display an equally impressive demeanor to match. I understand that not everyone approves of this practice but I am willing to receive such neglect as they are willing to deliver. Throughout history many great men have had great beards and they are very recognizable from this one simple trait, I would like to count myself among their echelons. Not to mention it would be a great disservice to myself to deny my face the ability to express itself. A well worn beard can be a very imposing feature demanding the respect of peers and colleagues alike, matched with my already dominating 6'8" stature my new visage could draw references to the great Abraham Lincoln, or dare I say...a brown-haired Poseidon.
As stated, your assistance has been invaluable and I cannot thank you enough for your time. Please enjoy your day and be comforted knowing that there does still exist those not afraid to proudly wave their personal chin flags in salute to the American way and to personal expression.
Thank You,
Jongo
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Got Questions?
P.S. - If Jesus hasn't been answering your prayers its probably because he's been focusing more on his acting career lately. For example:
"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter." Looks like cinemagraphic perfection to me! Here is the actual print from the back of the box:
"The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to Earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight. Combining Kung-fu action with Biblical prophecy and a liberal dose of humor, the film teams the Savior with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos against mythological horrors and science gone mad and also manages to address contemporary sexual politics. And did we mention that it's a musical? This sure ain't Sunday school."
Hey everybody has to start somewhere right? I think Jesus decided to start right there at the top with this one.
Life, Reflections, and the Truth of Me
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Czar
Iowa's "Drug Czar" sounds like a sociopath, and there are many like him in control over most of the US. What the hell kind of official title is "Czar" anyway? Every drug czar in America should be placed in stocks on the front steps of their county courthouse and be forced to face public ridicule and humiliation until every citizen agrees their narcissism has been quelled. The whole idea about criminalizing a substance is as outdated and archaic as the word czar itself. Lets go get high.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Retort
He is both right and wrong. The primary flaw in his rant is the same thing that is wrong with all people who rant to clear their conscience, he made no effort at all to reach a resolution to anything he said. Just saying "Everything is fucked!" is the easy way out. He makes several sweeping generalizations and then backs the whole thing up by saying he has studied history his entire life. Alright then Mr. Historian, instead of sitting in your lonely apartment writing vague rants crapping on everything from education, to gay marriage, to how America as a whole is the blackhole that will eventually collapse inward on itself taking the world with it; you should use some of your advice and actually apply your huge knowledge base to think critically and actually write something that may inspire the change you seem to want so desperately. Oh yeah, don't forget to articulate on what you say, wouldn't want someone to mistake you for another graduate of a dumbed down educational system that no longer teaches our history and why we as a country are exceptional and worth preserving...
This guy is an idiot. America has always had a majority population of retards, inbreds, self-loathing assholes, selfish pricks, etc, etc, etc..., but then again so has England, China, Spain, Russia, the fucking Moon, and even Atlantis (wherever it is under the waves). BUT, there has also always been the elite few who rise to the top and herd these sheep forward. Not everyone wants the revolution, most people are content to simply coast through their entire life without ever caring about the state of their economy, country, or world. If everyone was a genius then no one would be. You see it's not that we need more smart people, we have plenty all around us, the thing we are lacking sorely is independent thinkers. In this country especially we spend almost the entirety of our formative years being force fed religion, political affiliation, social ideals, world views, and all the way down to the sports teams we like. This is all fine but most people never learn to think for themselves, stop being a receptacle for gossip, and start being a catalyst for ideas. It takes a great deal of effort to break free from these mental cages but it can be done and every single generation has several iconic figures that break the mold and in essence change the world.
Mediocrity is not a plague that needs to be purged, but a phase of comfort and peace of mind resulting from the many flourishing years our country has earned. Indeed it does appear alarming at first glance. Times like these where there is a heavy burden of fear/uncertainty in the air generally tend to awaken exactly the kind of people that we will need to pull us out of the cesspool. Throughout all of human history it has been proven that desperation fuels average people to achieve great things.
Aside from this guy being a complete narcissist, he is judgmental, intolerant, and a finger pointer. I've had bacterial infections on my dick that I had more respect for. I love how he heralds his career as a historian (as if it were something of great importance), then with all the clairvoyance of an adolescent he jumps right on the ol' "Obama is Hitler" bandwagon. That whole con about Obama, and how his socialist ideals are direct links to a new Hitlerian dictatorship are childish at best and I'm surprised that anyone with any education at all takes them seriously. I didn't vote for Obama, and I don't necessarily think he is a great president, but he is also not going to destroy America. The real tragedy was Bush. Anyone who voted George W. Bush into the White House for two consecutive terms should not even be allowed to speak publicly for a minimum of 76 years.
Anyway, I'm on the verge of turning this into a hateful rant of my own so I will digress. This kind of propaganda should be read for its entertainment value only. There is no substance to it. Have faith in the future, or at least don't jump on these ridiculous bandwagons unless you feel like trying to help with the change. Lets not promote these apes until they learn to walk upright and stop throwing their own poop at each other...
Well, that was fun! When are we going to drink ourselves into oblivion again? Mr. Grundlespunk said you guys might drive out here for a few days in April? Let me know if it happens. I will start preparing my liver and colon for the worst.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
New Roommate
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Persuasion
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
RFTIMU
year400billion
RFTIMU: The Sun actually rotates so that its rear is always facing the Earth; essentially it can be considered that the Sun is mooning the Earth.
Tomeeko
RFTIMU: birds have the ability to see the future...but they won't tell anyone.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Cell phones actually have no risk of causing a person to develop brain tumors, they can however force you to become racist...
Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Michael Jackson has been cloned...his name is Faruk Basol and he lives in Ecuador.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Bon Jovi's father was a high ranking general in the SS and reported directly to Adolf Hitler.
Tomeeko
RFTIMU: If you boil 2 eggs in whiskey you get olive garden dressing.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Batman is not a bat, he is actually more like a condor.
Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Cheese can cure cancer, as well as plan a mean after party.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Adolf Hitler was born in La Fonda, Mexico, and his favorite food is fish tacos with a radish and lime garnish.
Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Godzilla has a degree in psychology as well as topography...so he can know the lay of the land.
year400billion
RFTIMU: The average lifespan of black people is 0 yrs...black people don't exist, they are really cyborgs.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Tyranosaurus Rex and Brontasaurus used to be best friends until T-Rex fucked Bronty's mom.
year400billion
RFTIMU: Jean-Claude Van Damme has done the splits in 473 movies since 1984.
Monday, January 11, 2010
In a Man's World...
The search engine predicts the top ten potential topics that it thinks you may be looking for, and in itself is an amazing study in anthropology how each one answers...itself:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Effective Advertising
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Reflection
I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:
1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others
Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:
1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.
In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:
1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.
Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.
We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Clarity
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A response I received from a true american hero:
After reading your blog "clarity" it really made me want to A) kill myself and B) kill myself while dressed like a gay clown. I feel that these emotions came over me in this very powerful and distinct way due to the sheer self deprecating emotions that I was reading from the page. I felt like I was covered in a blanket of self pity, hopelessness, and self loathing; while at the same time someone is smothering me with a pillow of despair. I'm not much with words, so I feel that I can best represent what I felt with the attached illustration.
Your non-friend,
JH
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Spirit of the Season
My friend Absolute Zero sent me a picture of what he would look like, and it was remarkably accurate. See below:
The detail is staggering...the disheveled hair and rage filled face (from long sleepless nights filled with his deepening self-anger and loathing), the middle finger raised proud and high, and of course the fully automatic AK-47 with extended ammunition magazine. I'm pretty sure he is firing the gun into a crowd of all his vitality-sucking, soul-devouring, evil ex-girlfriends...good work my friend.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Animation
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Side Projects
Not bad me thinks! The title is a definite work in progress but I just wanted to have something on the page for layout purposes, plus I wanted to test the functionality of the block-style font that I created. It works for now but I already foresee a need for a revised font before going much further. The thing is slower to create than one would think considering the simple nature of the images and font, but due to the fact that each pixel has to be individually selected and colored it can be very time consuming (and a true test of patience). No matter though, it is all new to me and therefore the interest of learning something different is a strong driver. That, and a constant supply of whiskey & coke to keep my mind sufficiently diluted from reality...
Monday, November 23, 2009
Boredom
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Rocky Votolato
Not sure why but my haircut looks like something the fat kid in 4th grade had...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Refund
This being said, I found myself completely flummoxed yesterday when I got home and grabbed my mail. Among the usual bills and 12 lbs. of advertisements/coupon rags I found a letter from 'The Navajo Nation Judicial Branch' addressed to me. "What in the god damn hell did I do this time!?" I thought to myself. I of course raced through any questionable events that I had been a part of over the last few weeks that may have upset these noble savages: Getting drunk and passing out in a random driveway at 6am on the edge of the reservation, Speeding...in one of at least two dozen radar controlled strecthes of road in the valley and near the reservation, and lastly, getting drunk and going to the casino and making an ass of myself while winning $200 of delicious tax free Indian money. The only reasonable scenario seemed to be a radar speeding ticket. Luckily for me I didn't immediately throw the envelope in the trash like any sober person in that position would have done. That is when I shit my pants (not literally, but you know what I mean)...
Take a look at the contents for yourself and I'm pretty sure you will guess my reaction, I'm pretty sure this NEVER fucking happens (click on them for full size):
What happened is: I got a speeding ticket just outside of the "Four Corners" area in Arizona almost two years ago, the citing officer apparently never turned in the paperwork or documented the stop in any way so the police department was forced to send me back the money I paid for the ticket. You may be thinking exactly what I was thinking at first: "Holy shit I am lucky!" This is wrong. After a little contemplation and feeling of remorse for the bad things I had said about Indians of all the lands of the earth, I realized these feeling were unfounded and this refund was an inevitability. Do you want to know the facts my friends? That Navajo that ticketed me didn't simply forget to do his paperwork, in fact, I'm willing to bet that he was most likely drunk, immediately following the stop he drove straight to the nearest liquor store, purchased a cheap bottle of whiskey, and while fumbling through his pockets for any kind of change or currency to pay for his fix he accidentally threw out the original copy of the citation with all of his other liquor store receipts from that week.
God bless the alcoholic, shoestring stealing, meth addict! That timely refund just bought my mom a christmas present, and the $200 that I won at the local casino on Saturday will be used for more of the same!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Bomb the Music Industry!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Bachelor Party Invite
I will not be able to make it to the festivities, not because of scheduling conflicts or budget constraints, but because I would rather shit in my own mouth than spend anymore time with you all than what it takes to write this email. Please do not take offence to this as my decision is not based on anything any of you has ever done to me, its just that I have layers upon layers of psychological issues/scars that stretch back nearly two decades. I fear that if put into an elegant spa-like atmosphere with this emotionally charged group I may lose it completely and end up hurting(killing) myself, or worse, every anglo-saxon male over the age of 17 within a 400 mile radius for absolutely no reason at all. Thus said, I am sure you will all understand and accept this, my formal decline of invitation, for Mr. Lieberdowski's celebration commemorating the end of his long and devoted celibacy.
I would, however, like to participate in spirit if you all would allow me the pleasure. I will be mirroring your activities from Arizona in any way that I shall deem appropriate.
For instance, I plan on waking up at 8am (10am central), right about the same time you will be starting your trek to the spa, I will be watching internet porn and masturbating for the full 1hr 15min duration of your spa treatment. The reason for this is to pay homage to the many many years leading up to this joyous occasion that Hank spent alone in a desolate, dark, lonely room late at night, beating the shit out of his own dick to internet pornography.
Just as all of you are reaching the gentle flows of the Raccoon River, I will be returning from the local Quick Trip with a case of PBR bottles, 7 Mega Burritos, a bag of Cheetos brand Puffs, 2 packs of World of Warcraft ‘Heroes of Azeroth’ Trading Card Game trading cards, a Jack’s Pepperoni frozen pizza, and a bottle of Alieve. There are, at all times, at least two fifths of Evan Williams whiskey in my cabinets that I keep close for desperate situations such as this. Back at my fortified and well stocked Bell Rd compound I will commence drinking heavily and eating gluttonously while watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy on my high def TV, watching American Psycho on a continuous loop on the secondary TV, playing World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King in window-mode on the computer, participating in two $50 buy-in WSOP qualifier tournaments, and downloading the most recent episodes of The Colbert Report. There is no underlying reason for these activities, they are simply my regular Saturday routine. I feel they are sufficient diversions in themselves and no changes need to be made to this routine in order to comply with the standards of Mr. Lieberdowskis’ bachelor party.
By the time you have finished the tubing adventure I will be roaming the valley foothills, drunk and brain-fried from booze and visual/sonic sensory overload, looking for some naturally growing peyote cactus to eat to bring me into a full-on hallucinatory dreamstate much like in the movie Young Guns. The reason I will put myself into such a psychotic state of mental collapse is because I want to experience what Hank Lieberdowski must have been feeling when he came to the conclusion that he wanted to throw away his vitality/virility/sanity…freedom…and get married.
At this point it will only be appx 7pm AZ time but I will already be naked and blistered by sunburn, roaming the Superstition Mountains, consumed by insanity, and searching for the fabled Peralta family treasure that was lost in the Mine of the Lost Dutchman in 1847. I figure if I can survive this surely fatal mad-dog craziness, somehow actually find the elusive Peralta treasure that has evaded treasure hunters for over 150 years, and come out unscathed on the otherside with my mind miraculously still intact…I may, and I stress may, be able to understand the decision making process that Mr. Lieberdowski underwent to come to his present situation and standing.
I may be wrong with my reasoning here, but isn’t the real purpose of these ‘Bachelor Parties’ to help us all understand and support a fellow comrade and his decision to leave the ranks of manhood where he was king of his domain, only to become a secondary mammal in the service of another for the rest of his life? I certainly think so. Lets not allow this ‘Bachelor Party’ to become another excuse to drink and act belligerent as a release from our jobs/wives/kids/bills/etc… Lets really honor our friend, let us go through his pain and give Tecmo Bowl High Fives if we are able to survive to see the otherside of real insanity. This isn’t just a party…this is a motherfucking freight train coming straight at us and there is no safe option for jumping off the track. We need to face this thing head-on like savage warriors driven by pure adrenaline facing a lethal and unpredictable enemy…this battle has no certain outcome. Victory is not guaranteed, prepare for the worst. This storm will surely pass, but not without casualties. Be strong my friends. I will see you on the otherside.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tragedy
Here is the original end of movie celebration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5XG1nSlxuI
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A Gem of Truth...Perhaps
Culla I hate you.
Here is a lesson from a from a real Cherokee, not some made up god-loving Cherokee because we all know that Indians don't believe in God, they believe in vengeance and malice.
"When time gets you down you should gamble. And I don't mean play the penny slots or even a $5 blackjack game – I mean fucking gamble. Bet what you can't afford on a game that you can never beat. Betting large when you know you are going to lose is the sign of a true Indian. Every other bet should hold the keys to your future in its grasp. Your anus should be so puckered up from the excitement that you couldn't shit a pea. Now that's how you fucking know you are fucking gambling.
And when you lose your breathes get shorter and shorter and more difficult to come by, as you feel the malignant cancer in your brain start to grow and grow, feeding off of your incessant aggression. You feel lethal. On the verge of frenzy. You want to kill, not just yourself, but everyone in the casino…but not until you rape the dealer who just fist-fucked you first.
And after that is all said and done you drink. And I don't mean have a beer or two and call it a night. I mean fucking drink! Grab a bottle of whiskey, scotch, and bourbon (that way you cover all whiskey types) and dive in. Do not look for hope, because there is none. Your only hope lies in an empty bottle. So drink until the bottle is empty. Once this is accomplished you have a bevy of options ahead of you – piss yourself, make sexist comments, howl at the moon, pay a stripper to give you a rim-job…while you pee, poop on the floor, poop on someones chest, paint yourself in war paint and take someones scalp, fart on a white-man's hair, do your laundry, and so on and so forth. I think you get the picture.
Lastly, you load up a shotgun. And no I don't mean a make-believe shotgun. I mean a real fucking shotgun, double-barreled, preferably sawed-off. You load it, you point it to your brain, and you pull the fucking trigger. Why? I'll tell you why… You are a fucking Indian. And you my friend, are fucking mad. And you are not going to take it anymore."
Let that be a lesson for all of us. Now Culla, go back to your kiddy-porn and your fairy-tales while all the rest of us wallow in self-pity and booze.
The Exorcist
Monday, January 26, 2009
My Friend
The Lunch Invite
Me...: Let us divulge our senses with the succulent smells and flavors at an omnipotent franchise of the fast food industry. With their ever increasing social awareness and health conciencious menu items one would be led to believe that they stand for more than just greedy capitalist driven ends. Even their employees are beginning to be offered medical insurance and 401k plans. OR is this recent trend of charity an ends to a means of evil that began over 20 years ago? Are the excercise programs, fund raising events, and youth leadership programs the final nail into the coffin of hopeless dependence that these giants of food service have built for us? We wander like cattle into the doors of these death camps and willingly pay these zealots to drain our vitality through delicious yet empty foods. We are left wanting more after a half hour because our bodies recieved plenty of substance but with a sizable lack of vital nutrients. The human body and mind will continue to function but only as a puppet continues to function at the hand of its master. With each juicy double cheeseburger we are bartering our spiritual essence and ambition, and yes, in return we do receive a delightful treat that satisfies the desire for the moment but leaves us groggy and drained of energy later. With this lack of energy it is much harder for a person to find the will to get up and prepare a proper meal later and this laziness drives us mindlessly back through the doors of the death machine for more mind controll serum. I've seen it all a hundred times. Let us unite my brother and take a stand for our longevity sake and our soul's sake against these pagan demons of capitalist mockery! Let us join hands with our obese brethren and sing the songs of rebellion unto the spires of the megaconglomerate fortresses of evil! Our song will resound with such power as to crack the very foundations under the seats of these grotesque pushers of sin and gluttony. With time we will see the weight of their corruption bring them down in a crumbling landslide of broken tyranny and egoisms, and we will watch it all fall deep into the abyssmal depths of the nothingness that is the hell reserved for such over-indulgers. But first lets grab a bite to eat...how about 11:45?
Seth...: You need help...