The Year 400 Billion

Beardvember

2011-11-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Even Pennywise supports a glorious beardyface from time to time...

Anniversary

2011-11-09T12:59:00.001-08:00

Just a quick post to show off my new beardling. It has been just over a year since my last naturally occurring chin-cusion hung proudly off my face, and with winter approaching I felt it was the right time to grow a new personal cheek-scarf. This beard is just an infant at six weeks old, but I know that with enough love it will grow into a awe-inspiring facial monument:

Mid-year Review

2011-08-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

for some reason the company I work at allows us to comment on the mid-year review that is given to us by our supervisors. Here was mine:

The future looks bright and I look to it with the confident resolve of a general looking over his victorious battlefield. I feel I have approached every opportunity that has come my way diligently and with an unshaken enthusiasm that would be the envy of peers and delight of managers alike. My only course of action going forward is to proceed with the same vigor and passion that has gotten me to where I am today both personally and professionally. Drive of this sort creates momentum; this momentum is hard to slow and even harder to stop, and thus fuels my unending pursuit of excellence and growth.

In any journey one will endure setbacks/detours/roadblocks, etc, the way in which these setbacks are handled and ultimately surpassed is the true measure of a persons convictions. If a person chooses to avoid all setbacks/detours/roadblocks, etc, it can show fear of change and lack of adaptability, and therefore less experiences and fewer chances to extract value from their chosen path. My path has shown me many peaks and valleys, and in the process has also presented an unparalleled experience from which my vision of the future has bloomed.

With the pace of business ever-increasing it is important to keep up, my intention is to lead the pack.

For NLG and SNK

2011-06-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

Keeping it Professional

2011-04-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

The "about me" section of my companies internal social networking site. It is intended for professional interactions. I always keep it very, very professional:

"My vision of the future is one of perfect exposure classification, record breaking assistance turnaround time, and ethically sound dispute resolution. I've been asked many times what the secret to my success is and it all really comes down to a simple children's book: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. This book is a philosophical powerhouse and has had an overwhelming impact on most of the things I have done in my adult life. OK, I'm lying. This book has nothing to do with my technical expertise in regards to my career, however, I feel it should not be overlooked that both the caterpillar and myself love to eat food. Lots of food. That is our bond. And like the caterpillar, I too sometimes eat until I get a stomach ache."

...And here is the "Background Info" about me:

"Forged in the burning center of Mt. Finance, I am an unstoppable force of premium adjustment, calculation, and collection."

My Letter to HR

2010-08-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

My simple inquiry to Human Resources about the appearance standards of our company. I have changed the names for obvious reasons:

Hello Samantha,

I would like to know if there are any restraints for Nationwide employee's in regards to facial hair? I am in the early stages of growing a full beard so bountiful and magnificent that it would likely make Paul Bunyan feel inadequate and childish. Can you verify for me if this sort of thing is frowned upon, or am I free to grow a flowing beard that would make my chin look comparable to cousin "It" from the Addam's Family?

Thank You,

Jongo

Jongo,

Per my voice mail I am responding to your question around facial hair.

Nationwide does not have a specific policy that addresses facial hair and/or any stipulations in regards to facial hair, however policy guide section 3.1 references (see below) that Nationwide associates should always present a professional image. With that being said, Nationwide would have no problem with you growing facial hair as long as it remains clean and professional at all times. As far as the question you presented with regards to if it will be frowned upon I would just recommend you be aware that each person that views you will have their own opinion and may voice that opinion, so being aware that this will/may happen should also be taken into consideration when determining whether or not you will grow out your facial hair.

If you have any questions/concerns. Please feel free to call me at the number below and we can discuss further.

3.1 - As a Nationwide associate, you should always present a professional image to internal and external customers and the public.

Hello Samantha,

I just got your vm's today, thank you for checking on this for me. I will do my best to maintain my beard by the highest standards of our times and I shall display an equally impressive demeanor to match. I understand that not everyone approves of this practice but I am willing to receive such neglect as they are willing to deliver. Throughout history many great men have had great beards and they are very recognizable from this one simple trait, I would like to count myself among their echelons. Not to mention it would be a great disservice to myself to deny my face the ability to express itself. A well worn beard can be a very imposing feature demanding the respect of peers and colleagues alike, matched with my already dominating 6'8" stature my new visage could draw references to the great Abraham Lincoln, or dare I say...a brown-haired Poseidon.

As stated, your assistance has been invaluable and I cannot thank you enough for your time. Please enjoy your day and be comforted knowing that there does still exist those not afraid to proudly wave their personal chin flags in salute to the American way and to personal expression.

Thank You,

Jongo

Life, Reflections, and the Truth of Me

2010-07-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting here tonight reflecting on my life and the many strange and wonderful paths that it has led me down. I couldn't help but to get a little nostalgic with the memories. It is strange that when you look back on all the paths of your life that it can make you so happy and sad at the same time. I think it is because when we reflect on these good times we know that they will never be again. Sure, we all will have good times, experience crazy adventures, and make new friends, but deep down it somehow seems like it will never be as good again. As I was sitting there a moment of clairvoyance washed over me and I realized that I was wrong, it wasn't the nostalgia or memories that was making me feel these strange feelings...it was me coming down out of an eight day heroine induced coma that was brought on when I locked myself in my room for two weeks straight with two kilo's of pure columbian heroine, enough household chemicals to kill a family of elephants, and three gallons of jack daniels. When I came to conciousness once again I realized that I was sleeping on a pillow of my own vomit and feces, and my room smelled like a guano cave. I also noticed two dead hookers messily shoved into the corner of my closet. As I sat there picking fecal matter out of my hair and digging through the dead hookers pockets trying to find some more heroine/coke/meth...anything that would send me back into the sweet embrace of hallucinatory dreamland just a little longer...I saw myself in the mirror. I was shaken to my very foundations. What had happened to me? How could I possibly let myself slip into such a state? I decided right then and there, staring myself in the eyes, that I would never let this tragedy happen ever again. It was time to make some changes. I decided that I needed to stop wasting so much money on whores so that I would have more money to spend on drugs.

Czar

2010-05-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Cousin sent me this article on a product called Salvia Divinorum. My response:

Iowa's "Drug Czar" sounds like a sociopath, and there are many like him in control over most of the US. What the hell kind of official title is "Czar" anyway? Every drug czar in America should be placed in stocks on the front steps of their county courthouse and be forced to face public ridicule and humiliation until every citizen agrees their narcissism has been quelled. The whole idea about criminalizing a substance is as outdated and archaic as the word czar itself. Lets go get high.

Retort

2010-04-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

A friend recently sent me one of those long-winded propaganda/bullshit emails that most people normally just delete within 4 seconds of opening, I however decided to respond with a long-winded retort. Fight fire with fire. After sending I decided to actually look up the guy who wrote the original content so I could email him a bit of my sarcasm as well. As it turns out this guy David Kaiser didn't write the email and even posted a blog in his own defense. This fact kind of took the fun out of my mission but I decided to post my rant anyway because there is still some truth in it:

He is both right and wrong. The primary flaw in his rant is the same thing that is wrong with all people who rant to clear their conscience, he made no effort at all to reach a resolution to anything he said. Just saying "Everything is fucked!" is the easy way out. He makes several sweeping generalizations and then backs the whole thing up by saying he has studied history his entire life. Alright then Mr. Historian, instead of sitting in your lonely apartment writing vague rants crapping on everything from education, to gay marriage, to how America as a whole is the blackhole that will eventually collapse inward on itself taking the world with it; you should use some of your advice and actually apply your huge knowledge base to think critically and actually write something that may inspire the change you seem to want so desperately. Oh yeah, don't forget to articulate on what you say, wouldn't want someone to mistake you for another graduate of a dumbed down educational system that no longer teaches our history and why we as a country are exceptional and worth preserving...

This guy is an idiot. America has always had a majority population of retards, inbreds, self-loathing assholes, selfish pricks, etc, etc, etc..., but then again so has England, China, Spain, Russia, the fucking Moon, and even Atlantis (wherever it is under the waves). BUT, there has also always been the elite few who rise to the top and herd these sheep forward. Not everyone wants the revolution, most people are content to simply coast through their entire life without ever caring about the state of their economy, country, or world. If everyone was a genius then no one would be. You see it's not that we need more smart people, we have plenty all around us, the thing we are lacking sorely is independent thinkers. In this country especially we spend almost the entirety of our formative years being force fed religion, political affiliation, social ideals, world views, and all the way down to the sports teams we like. This is all fine but most people never learn to think for themselves, stop being a receptacle for gossip, and start being a catalyst for ideas. It takes a great deal of effort to break free from these mental cages but it can be done and every single generation has several iconic figures that break the mold and in essence change the world.

Mediocrity is not a plague that needs to be purged, but a phase of comfort and peace of mind resulting from the many flourishing years our country has earned. Indeed it does appear alarming at first glance. Times like these where there is a heavy burden of fear/uncertainty in the air generally tend to awaken exactly the kind of people that we will need to pull us out of the cesspool. Throughout all of human history it has been proven that desperation fuels average people to achieve great things.

Aside from this guy being a complete narcissist, he is judgmental, intolerant, and a finger pointer. I've had bacterial infections on my dick that I had more respect for. I love how he heralds his career as a historian (as if it were something of great importance), then with all the clairvoyance of an adolescent he jumps right on the ol' "Obama is Hitler" bandwagon. That whole con about Obama, and how his socialist ideals are direct links to a new Hitlerian dictatorship are childish at best and I'm surprised that anyone with any education at all takes them seriously. I didn't vote for Obama, and I don't necessarily think he is a great president, but he is also not going to destroy America. The real tragedy was Bush. Anyone who voted George W. Bush into the White House for two consecutive terms should not even be allowed to speak publicly for a minimum of 76 years.

Anyway, I'm on the verge of turning this into a hateful rant of my own so I will digress. This kind of propaganda should be read for its entertainment value only. There is no substance to it. Have faith in the future, or at least don't jump on these ridiculous bandwagons unless you feel like trying to help with the change. Lets not promote these apes until they learn to walk upright and stop throwing their own poop at each other...

Well, that was fun! When are we going to drink ourselves into oblivion again? Mr. Grundlespunk said you guys might drive out here for a few days in April? Let me know if it happens. I will start preparing my liver and colon for the worst.

New Roommate

2010-03-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

When I was jogging yesterday I found a turtle trying to kill himself by lying on his back in the middle of the path. What a stupid asshole. So, I took him home and named him Wade Boggs. This little son of a bitch knows how to party!

Persuasion

2010-01-16T19:55:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it can take tedious amounts of persuasion to talk a friend into committing to a weekend of violent alcoholism with a strong possibility of long-term incarceration. In situations such as these it is best to go for the throat from the start and not let them have a chance to think anything but the trip is a viable option. Below is the actual email I sent to two friends to come and get drunk with me in the near future (names have been changed for obvious reasons):

Mr. Grundlespunk,

It doesn't sound like we'll have time to take the dirtbikes out unless we go right after you land on Thursday, but if you feel like getting crazy on them (I always do) I can make it a reality. Otherwise I was thinking we could find some cheap tee-times and go get drunk while beating the shit out of golf carts and fairways... Other than those two scenarios we have the usual bar/fight/nudity/near-death/run-from-the-law/howl at the moon options to choose from. We can also gamble the whole time if nothing else.

Jew,

You should probably be here for this too. Don't give me no bullshit like you can't come because you are too busy or can't get work off...you fucking make this happen. I can't promise that this trip will be worth the time, money, effort, or pain that will result from it, but that has never stopped any of us from doing something considered timely, costly, demanding, or self-destructive in the past. Am I right? Fuck yes I am. You want me to keep preaching this gospel? OK motherfucker, here goes:

We as a nation have never been trapped in a more desperate time of crisis and hysteria. Everyday people all around us are fading fast from a severe lack of personal identity and complacency that is, at the least, cause for alarm and in dire need of decisive action. I don't know what you plan on doing about it, but I, a proud citizen of the United States of America, am willing to pick up the banner of hope and start giving back to this great nation in the only way that I know how...getting drunk as fuck. However I can not do this alone. A lone man drinking himself into the planes of oblivion, wandering the streets yelling obscenities into the heavens, all while stark naked and carrying a golf club in one hand and a bottle of Evan Williams in the other would be considered nothing less than completely insane and would no doubt be quickly arrested with force and extreme prejudice, locked up, and most likely left to rot while the world he was trying to save slowly withered away. BUT when great minds come together, no matter their mental state or inebriation level, their passion for truth exudes from their very being and infects all those lucky enough to witness the greatness that inevitably follows in their wake. This will be the beginning of a revolution! All that is needed is a catalyst, and I'm sure you've noticed from past gatherings of our triumvirate that nothing short of greatness can result from our combined efforts. Don't think of this as a mere weekend trip to get away from work and drink with some old friends, this reunion will be the lone seed whose eventual fruit will guide the children of this land forward into the unknown future with strength in their hearts and courage in their souls. Our actions will bring the people of all the great nations together as one. Our theories and ideals shall be recorded and studied by the greatest minds in the world. Our words will be sung by the masses in the spirit of unity. Our foes shall fall before the force of our convictions and their punishment will be swift and without remorse.

I hope that these words are not falling on deaf ears, Jewlius. I am not making this shit up. If you are afraid to utilize your full potential as a man, then feel free to sit at home that weekend and play nintendo. But if you are prepared to party in such a way that it could literally change the course of history of mankind forever, possibly even physically alter the face of the earth itself, then we will see you on the weekend of February 11-14.

Respectfully,

Loch Ness Monster

RFTIMU

2010-01-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

An ongoing Twitter commentary between myself and my friend Tomeeko. WTF is RFTIMU you ask? RFTIMU stands for Random Fact That I Made Up...and here are the facts as given by Tomeeko and me:

Tomeeko

Year400billion

year400billion
RFTIMU: The Sun actually rotates so that its rear is always facing the Earth; essentially it can be considered that the Sun is mooning the Earth.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: birds have the ability to see the future...but they won't tell anyone.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Cell phones actually have no risk of causing a person to develop brain tumors, they can however force you to become racist...

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Michael Jackson has been cloned...his name is Faruk Basol and he lives in Ecuador.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Bon Jovi's father was a high ranking general in the SS and reported directly to Adolf Hitler.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: If you boil 2 eggs in whiskey you get olive garden dressing.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Batman is not a bat, he is actually more like a condor.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Cheese can cure cancer, as well as plan a mean after party.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Adolf Hitler was born in La Fonda, Mexico, and his favorite food is fish tacos with a radish and lime garnish.

Tomeeko
RFTIMU: Godzilla has a degree in psychology as well as topography...so he can know the lay of the land.

year400billion
RFTIMU: The average lifespan of black people is 0 yrs...black people don't exist, they are really cyborgs.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Tyranosaurus Rex and Brontasaurus used to be best friends until T-Rex fucked Bronty's mom.

year400billion
RFTIMU: Jean-Claude Van Damme has done the splits in 473 movies since 1984.

In a Man's World...

2010-01-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

Just an interesting and funny observation someone made on a blog I saw earlier today, he wrote: "You know how Google sometimes “predicts” what you might be searching for by giving you a little drop down menu of suggested search queries? These suggestions, of course, are based on what other users frequently search. So I tried teasing out some gender differences. Look at the picture below."

The search engine predicts the top ten potential topics that it thinks you may be looking for, and in itself is an amazing study in anthropology how each one answers...itself:

(1)

Women - Want to get their boyfriends to propose.

Men - Want more blowjobs.

Conclusion - Ladies...this is sooo damn simple...suck more dick and there may be wedding bells in your future!

(2)

Women - Want their man to spend more time with them.

Men - Want their lady to have sex more.

Conclusion - Ladies...another easy one, start spreadin' those legs you goddamn prudes.

(3)

Women - Want their men to love them again.

Men - Want their girl to lose weight.

Conclusion - Ladies...stop fucking eating. Holy shit.

(4)

Women - Want their men to trust them more.

Men - Want their women to trust them more.

Conclusion - Stop fucking each others friends. ...Or trade the whiney bitch/bastard in for a new one.

(5)

Women - Want their man to be more romantic.

Men - Want their woman to love them more.

Conclusion - Ladies...stop fucking assholes. Men...stop being pussies.

(6)

Women - Want their man to stop smoking.

Men - Want their woman to shave. (what the fuck?)

Conclusion - This one is an anomaly as it seems like it is exactly reversed from what I was expecting, but I digress. Ladies...really? You are not shaving? Clean yourselves up you wooly fucking Banthors! Men...I don't see how you have done anything wrong, please continue to smoke (preferably during sex) and if you are not coming home drunk at least four times a week then you need to start hitting the bar harder too.

(7)

Women - Want their man to be more affectionate.

Men - Want to get rid of their whiney bitch girlfriend.

Conclusion - Isn't this one self-explanatory enough? Ladies...stop bitching. Please. Fucking shit cock.

(8)

Women - want their man to break up with them.

Men - want their girl to forgive them.

Conclusion - Ladies...you shallow conceited bitches, just end it, stop putting your guy through hell and forcing him to dump you just so you can get a month long pity party from all you whore friends. Guys...ummm, go get drunk.

(9)

Women - want their man to last longer in bed.

Men - want their woman to kiss them more.

Conclusion - Ladies...I think if you didn't exhaust your man with your endless fucking demands to boost your non-existent ego then he would have more energy to rail you when your undeserving feminist vagina (most likely unshaven) finally gets horny. Men...roofies.

(10)

Women - Want their man to stop drinking.

Men - Want their women to love them.

Conclusion - Ladies/Men...This one is a compromise. Ladies you want your man to stop drinking but you need to understand that the only time he can stand to be around you or talk to you is when he is drunk. Men you want your woman to love you but you need to understand that she is only happy when she is yelling at you or degrading you in front of your face to all the people she knows. The only thing to do is keep yelling, throw more punches, hate eachother more deeply, and at the end fuck harder than either of you have before in your lives.

I am amazed when I look at the accuracy of this "predictor", not to mention the simplicity. The search engine already knows what you want, and if you pay attention you can get your answer without even going to some bullshit webpage. Or, as always, you can refer to me for your relationship advice! I am a veritable cornucopia of sexual knowledge. Be not afraid to dip into my rich wellspring for advice, but don't be suprised if you are corrupted when you leave it. My taint touches all (literally...don't pass out at a party or I'll put it on your forehead and take a picture).

Dr. Flanigan Love III

Effective Advertising

2010-01-07T05:38:00.000-08:00

Should it be considered mere coincidence that when I was driving to work this morning I happened to look up from the road for a moment and I saw Jesus Christ the lord staring directly back at me? Should it also be considered mere coincidence that the song playing on the radio at that moment was "No Lodging for the Mad" by The Taxpayers? I think not. Yeah, so what if the Jesus that was staring at me was from a christian propaganda billboard? Nothing inspires me to live cleanly and change my ways more than a giant, rusty, sky-blocking billboard telling me "Jesus Saves." And nothing accentuates that point more than an inspired song of frustration, defeat, and giving up playing on the radio while driving through bumper to bumper morning traffic.

I'm pretty sure this billboard has more truth to it than anything I learned in church...

Reflection

2009-12-30T07:54:00.001-08:00

Here we are again my friends, yet another year is coming to pass. What does this mean for you, me, and the world? It means a time for reflection on our past victories and transgressions, and also a look forward to the promising future. I myself love looking back on the year that passed to laugh at all the stupid shit that I did, hearts I broke, laws of physics I completely ignored, and horrid moral decisions that I have made to get me to 12/31/2009. There are only two words in the English language (Ebonics included) that can describe my year...and my life for that matter, and those words are "Fucking Awesome."

I'll start this with the traditional resolutions list, I had to borrow the 'Top Ten Resolutions 2010' from squidoo.com since I have never actually made a new years resolution and likely never will. These are the top ten things people want to change about themselves in their next 365 days on this earth, what a sorry load of shit:

1) Stop Smoking
2) Get Fit
3) Lose Weight
4) Enjoy Life More
5) Quit Drinking
6) Get Organized
7) Learn Something New
8) Get Out of Debt
9) Spend More Time with Family
10) Help Others

Are you fucking kidding me!? I'll admit, I don't know a goddamn thing about this website squidoo.com, it was the first resolution list that came up when I did a google search for "New years resolutions 2010", but this does not change the fact that its users/readers are pussies. For the sake of this rant I am going to assume that this list is an accurate snapshot of the feelings (or failings) of the entire american populace. First thing you notice about the list is that it justifies every thought you have about other people from the moment you leave your front door (Or maybe its just me, I am a judgemental bastard): Lazy, fat, filthy, pathetic, greedy apes. The resolution list tells us these facts in order:

1) Stop Smoking - Because you want to be cool.
2) Get Fit - Because you are a fat fuck.
3) Lose Weight - Because you are a fat fuck.
4) Enjoy Life More - Because you are lazy as shit.
5) Quit Drinking - Because you drink too much because you have no self-esteem/personality.
6) Get Organized - Because you are disgusting.
7) Learn Something New - Because you are stupid.
8) Get Out of Debt - Because you are broke and greedy.
9) Spend More Time with Family - Because you are a bad person.
10) Help Others - Because...I don't even know what this means, fags.

In response I wanted to make my own personal top ten list to see how I compare with my fellow americans. I wanted my list to be a herald of truth scrying my legend to the Future as a warning that it is going to get it balls kicked in when I get there. Do you hear that Future? Huh? Do you? It will be like the dojo fight scene in Fist of Legend. So suck on this resolution list, Future:

1) Get thrown out of a punk concert for partying in my underwear...again. It's true, won't be the first time this has happened to me (for example). That same day we completely trashed two rental cars causing $15,000 damage to one and $12,000 damage to the other. Imagine the scene from Days of Thunder where Cole Trickle and Rowdy Burns are both given rentals to drive to a business lunch. Good thing we paid the extra $5 for the full coverage insurance.
2) Start smoking. Fuck you TRUTH.
3) Compete in the Kumite.
4) Make a complete mockery of the corporate business structure.
5) Plan and execute a successful bank heist, complete with a crazy gunfight with the cops in the middle of a busy metropolitan business district during lunch hour.
6) Tell Frampton to drop the charade and come out of the closet. There is nothing wrong with a man who enjoys wearing designer brasieres, four inch pumps, and evening gowns. Heck, he already lives in IA and gay marriage is legal there! Hooray for progress!
7) Get drunk as fuck.
8) Learn to fly. Not with an airplane you dumb shits...for real flying, like superman. It is possible.
9) Become a politician. Maybe even run for mayor of Maricopa County. Fuck yeah.
10) Win Jeopardy...I'm coming for you Alex Trebek.

Now I think it is fairly easy to see the difference between my list and amreica's list. While america's list whines about wanting to improve their individual lives like a bunch of selfish pricks, mine inadvertantly has the ability to inspire entire cultural identity reinvention, cause global political upheaval, and revolutionize air travel forever. Why are people so content to just make a little change? You want to quit smoking? Good for you, see you in a year when you are making the same fucking list again you failures. You want to drink less? You sound retarded. You want to get in shape/lose weight? Why? Its not gonna help you stop smoking or drinking or going further into debt. Here is some advice america: Drink more, smoke more, get fatter, and beat your wives harder. At least if you do these things you are not failing at some ridiculous and sad attempt at making you like yourself more, you will be improving at what you are already good at. You are welcome, I won't even charge you for all this free advice.

We need to rethink the whole way we go about this sad-ass "resolution" bullshit and I have some ideas. How about instead of "resolutions" we make "r/evolutions." Resolving to do something is simply having a good intention, most likely you will not act on it. Some may argue "You gotta start somewhere haha!" or "A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step!" Yeah? Well, the decline of an entire nation starts with the apathy of its lazy fuck people. Grow some balls and make a new years r/evolution this year. If you are good at racking up debt, don't try to get out of it...push it to the limit. Evolve your degradation to the next level. Your success at being a failure can start entire worldwide revolutions, look at the housing market bubble and subsequent crash, perfect example. It wasn't just americans that caused it but we certainly were number one on the long list of failures that made it happen. Our ability to make $30k - $50k a year and still "own" three houses pushed traditional debt standards to the limits and resulted in worldwide financial collapse forcing in revolutionary changes in government and industry. The interesting fact of it is that none of these changes are meant to improve standards or lower anyones debt, but to stabalize confidence in consumers to encourage them to start creating more debt for themselves again. If you pay attention you will see that Uncle Sam has already adopted my idea and is working to really push the envelope of failure as far as he can. No resolutions here...revolutions. My resolution advice is: Go take out a few loans, max out some credit cards, and learn to speak chinese...

For Frampton

2009-12-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

You are welcome...

Clarity

2009-12-12T13:44:00.001-08:00

It can be a painful shock to suddenly realize that you have been living your life all wrong. I experienced this bizarre panic tonight at 12:04 am while watching Sportcenter and jumping around on the internet in search of any sort of inspiration that might be out there waiting to punch me in the face.

I suppose I shouldn't say that I have been living my life all wrong, but it was one of those moments where you have a good bit of clarity and whiskey running through your brain, and a good portion of your life hurls by and all you can think about how a lot of it could have gone differently. For better or worse, this is where I found myself tonight. It was spurred by several recent events the most pertinent of which has been my utter lack of interest in my current career and the laziness that has kept me from leaving it for the past three years. It happens everyday, people lose themselves to complacency and comfort then slowly, and unnoticeably, they ferment into angry unpleasant beasts of intolerable wickedness.

I can feel the wickedness growing in me lately, driving away friends and acquaintances faster than I can react to my own horrifying decisions. Someday soon I will turn around looking for support for my collapsing soul and realize that I am the only one staring back, with a savage grin and deep sorrow in the eyes. From my reflections as of late the conclusion seems to be a sum of many small acts of pride that were small at the time they happened, are now compounding within my head in a perfect storm of helpless depression, confusion, and rage. There is no way to change the past but that is always the first stage with these things, to want to go back and change an action, say something differently, start over again...

Since there are no take-backs in this cruel life, we are forced to trudge forward through the hideous swamp of regret that (it seems from my perspective) many of us build for ourselves. There are few who truly ever get clean of that place. Some people reinvest themselves in the church. Others try to ignore all that has happened and push on as if they were reborn. I have never had time for either of these and have always tried to keep a hard line of truth with my thoughts and actions, but when one pushes all friends away there is no true correcting factor but myself, and at this point I can't trust myself with providing even a steady meal, much less auditing my thoughts and staying sane.

So what comes next? Well, another drink always seems to do the trick...

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A response I received from a true american hero:

After reading your blog "clarity" it really made me want to A) kill myself and B) kill myself while dressed like a gay clown. I feel that these emotions came over me in this very powerful and distinct way due to the sheer self deprecating emotions that I was reading from the page. I felt like I was covered in a blanket of self pity, hopelessness, and self loathing; while at the same time someone is smothering me with a pillow of despair. I'm not much with words, so I feel that I can best represent what I felt with the attached illustration.

Your non-friend,
JH

Spirit of the Season

2009-12-05T16:55:00.000-08:00

If you were a snowman what would you look like? Me, I'd most likely be completely naked with a double whiskey coke in my left hand and a pair of awesome snowwoman boobs in the other. I would wake up every morning with the snowwoman version of Scarlett Johansson gently caressing my frosty snowboner, then we would go to Denny's to enjoy All-American Slams and discuss current events. Since I'm lazy here is the best depiction you will get:

My friend Absolute Zero sent me a picture of what he would look like, and it was remarkably accurate. See below:

The detail is staggering...the disheveled hair and rage filled face (from long sleepless nights filled with his deepening self-anger and loathing), the middle finger raised proud and high, and of course the fully automatic AK-47 with extended ammunition magazine. I'm pretty sure he is firing the gun into a crowd of all his vitality-sucking, soul-devouring, evil ex-girlfriends...good work my friend.

...And here is a picture I made of Mr.T. This picture is the embodiment of the holiday spirit, fuck those snowmen posted above. My awesomeness just skyrocketed past Jesus...suck on that Christians...

Animation

2009-12-01T19:46:00.001-08:00

My first attempt at creating an animation...and it's not good. Posted anyway because I like to spread misery.

And here is Frampton's, it is an ongoing work in progress but 10x better than mine...

Side Projects

2009-11-29T14:54:00.000-08:00

I've Been mulling around with an idea I've had for some time about attempting to make a comic book, but never really found the motivation to start such a project. With my recent interest in retro "8-bit" images the comic book project jumped to mind, so I started dabbling with sprites and trying to create some characters. Below is the result of my first trial:

Not bad me thinks! The title is a definite work in progress but I just wanted to have something on the page for layout purposes, plus I wanted to test the functionality of the block-style font that I created. It works for now but I already foresee a need for a revised font before going much further. The thing is slower to create than one would think considering the simple nature of the images and font, but due to the fact that each pixel has to be individually selected and colored it can be very time consuming (and a true test of patience). No matter though, it is all new to me and therefore the interest of learning something different is a strong driver. That, and a constant supply of whiskey & coke to keep my mind sufficiently diluted from reality...

Boredom

2009-11-23T05:41:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up at 5a.m. and made a pixel image (sprite) of robocop. Why? Because I'm awesome.

This was my first attempt at making pixel art so I don't think it turned out too bad, especially considering I did the whole thing with the default color palette. Maybe next I'll do Robocop riding a majestic unicorn.

Rocky Votolato

2009-10-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

Last night Rocky Votolato came to Phoenix for two stops on his living room tour. It was a little awkward at first (chilling in a complete stranger's living room...sober) but everyone there was laid back, and a small setting is by far the best possible venue for his folk-style music. After the show I made fun of him because he is short, and he said he liked my tshirt (Thank you Tracie!)...Did we just become best friends?!

Not sure why but my haircut looks like something the fat kid in 4th grade had...

The Refund

2009-10-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

I am not going to lie to you my friends...I have said many bad things about Indians in my day. Terrible things. It is common knowledge that Indians love to steal shoestrings, get drunk, make & sell meth, and then use their incalculable casino earnings to steal more shoestrings, get more drunk, and make & sell more meth. Its pretty much all they do. I don't know why they live like this, but I'm pretty sure that it has been proven by science at least 100 times that Indians are crazy, and should be treated as wild animals if encountered in person.

This being said, I found myself completely flummoxed yesterday when I got home and grabbed my mail. Among the usual bills and 12 lbs. of advertisements/coupon rags I found a letter from 'The Navajo Nation Judicial Branch' addressed to me. "What in the god damn hell did I do this time!?" I thought to myself. I of course raced through any questionable events that I had been a part of over the last few weeks that may have upset these noble savages: Getting drunk and passing out in a random driveway at 6am on the edge of the reservation, Speeding...in one of at least two dozen radar controlled strecthes of road in the valley and near the reservation, and lastly, getting drunk and going to the casino and making an ass of myself while winning $200 of delicious tax free Indian money. The only reasonable scenario seemed to be a radar speeding ticket. Luckily for me I didn't immediately throw the envelope in the trash like any sober person in that position would have done. That is when I shit my pants (not literally, but you know what I mean)...

Take a look at the contents for yourself and I'm pretty sure you will guess my reaction, I'm pretty sure this NEVER fucking happens (click on them for full size):

What happened is: I got a speeding ticket just outside of the "Four Corners" area in Arizona almost two years ago, the citing officer apparently never turned in the paperwork or documented the stop in any way so the police department was forced to send me back the money I paid for the ticket. You may be thinking exactly what I was thinking at first: "Holy shit I am lucky!" This is wrong. After a little contemplation and feeling of remorse for the bad things I had said about Indians of all the lands of the earth, I realized these feeling were unfounded and this refund was an inevitability. Do you want to know the facts my friends? That Navajo that ticketed me didn't simply forget to do his paperwork, in fact, I'm willing to bet that he was most likely drunk, immediately following the stop he drove straight to the nearest liquor store, purchased a cheap bottle of whiskey, and while fumbling through his pockets for any kind of change or currency to pay for his fix he accidentally threw out the original copy of the citation with all of his other liquor store receipts from that week.

God bless the alcoholic, shoestring stealing, meth addict! That timely refund just bought my mom a christmas present, and the $200 that I won at the local casino on Saturday will be used for more of the same!

Bomb the Music Industry!

2009-07-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, these apes played in Phoenix last night and blew a crater five miles wide into the earth. It was an acceptable display of ass kick.

The Bachelor Party Invite

2009-07-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

This is a simple response to a bachelor party invite I received for a friend of mine (actual names have been changed for obvious reasons). I did not include the entire email chain so you may not understand some of the references, but I think you will get the basic idea trying to be conveyed:

I will not be able to make it to the festivities, not because of scheduling conflicts or budget constraints, but because I would rather shit in my own mouth than spend anymore time with you all than what it takes to write this email. Please do not take offence to this as my decision is not based on anything any of you has ever done to me, its just that I have layers upon layers of psychological issues/scars that stretch back nearly two decades. I fear that if put into an elegant spa-like atmosphere with this emotionally charged group I may lose it completely and end up hurting(killing) myself, or worse, every anglo-saxon male over the age of 17 within a 400 mile radius for absolutely no reason at all. Thus said, I am sure you will all understand and accept this, my formal decline of invitation, for Mr. Lieberdowski's celebration commemorating the end of his long and devoted celibacy.

I would, however, like to participate in spirit if you all would allow me the pleasure. I will be mirroring your activities from Arizona in any way that I shall deem appropriate.

For instance, I plan on waking up at 8am (10am central), right about the same time you will be starting your trek to the spa, I will be watching internet porn and masturbating for the full 1hr 15min duration of your spa treatment. The reason for this is to pay homage to the many many years leading up to this joyous occasion that Hank spent alone in a desolate, dark, lonely room late at night, beating the shit out of his own dick to internet pornography.

Just as all of you are reaching the gentle flows of the Raccoon River, I will be returning from the local Quick Trip with a case of PBR bottles, 7 Mega Burritos, a bag of Cheetos brand Puffs, 2 packs of World of Warcraft ‘Heroes of Azeroth’ Trading Card Game trading cards, a Jack’s Pepperoni frozen pizza, and a bottle of Alieve. There are, at all times, at least two fifths of Evan Williams whiskey in my cabinets that I keep close for desperate situations such as this. Back at my fortified and well stocked Bell Rd compound I will commence drinking heavily and eating gluttonously while watching the entire Back to the Future trilogy on my high def TV, watching American Psycho on a continuous loop on the secondary TV, playing World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King in window-mode on the computer, participating in two $50 buy-in WSOP qualifier tournaments, and downloading the most recent episodes of The Colbert Report. There is no underlying reason for these activities, they are simply my regular Saturday routine. I feel they are sufficient diversions in themselves and no changes need to be made to this routine in order to comply with the standards of Mr. Lieberdowskis’ bachelor party.

By the time you have finished the tubing adventure I will be roaming the valley foothills, drunk and brain-fried from booze and visual/sonic sensory overload, looking for some naturally growing peyote cactus to eat to bring me into a full-on hallucinatory dreamstate much like in the movie Young Guns. The reason I will put myself into such a psychotic state of mental collapse is because I want to experience what Hank Lieberdowski must have been feeling when he came to the conclusion that he wanted to throw away his vitality/virility/sanity…freedom…and get married.

At this point it will only be appx 7pm AZ time but I will already be naked and blistered by sunburn, roaming the Superstition Mountains, consumed by insanity, and searching for the fabled Peralta family treasure that was lost in the Mine of the Lost Dutchman in 1847. I figure if I can survive this surely fatal mad-dog craziness, somehow actually find the elusive Peralta treasure that has evaded treasure hunters for over 150 years, and come out unscathed on the otherside with my mind miraculously still intact…I may, and I stress may, be able to understand the decision making process that Mr. Lieberdowski underwent to come to his present situation and standing.

I may be wrong with my reasoning here, but isn’t the real purpose of these ‘Bachelor Parties’ to help us all understand and support a fellow comrade and his decision to leave the ranks of manhood where he was king of his domain, only to become a secondary mammal in the service of another for the rest of his life? I certainly think so. Lets not allow this ‘Bachelor Party’ to become another excuse to drink and act belligerent as a release from our jobs/wives/kids/bills/etc… Lets really honor our friend, let us go through his pain and give Tecmo Bowl High Fives if we are able to survive to see the otherside of real insanity. This isn’t just a party…this is a motherfucking freight train coming straight at us and there is no safe option for jumping off the track. We need to face this thing head-on like savage warriors driven by pure adrenaline facing a lethal and unpredictable enemy…this battle has no certain outcome. Victory is not guaranteed, prepare for the worst. This storm will surely pass, but not without casualties. Be strong my friends. I will see you on the otherside.

Tragedy

2009-05-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

When George Lucas remastered the Star Wars trilogy (4-6) I was, as were all real fans, extremely disappointed, but nothing was as tragic as when that son of a bitch took out the Ewok victory song "Yub Nub" at the end of the movie. I threw my tv out the fucking window and then hid under my covers for the next 12 hours thinking that the apocalypse was surely nigh. Luckily the world didn't end, but maybe we would all be better off if it had...

Here is the original end of movie celebration:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5XG1nSlxuI

...and here is the remastered ending (WARNING: Only watch if you are prepared for uncontrollable violence! I will not be held responsible if you throw your t.v. out the window and into the street like I did):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHX3mAbyrs&feature=related

The Boss

2009-05-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

When I hit the dance floor playtime is fucking over...

A Gem of Truth...Perhaps

2009-05-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

In a recent email chain my friends and I were discussing Cherokee Indians and Religion (yes), when one of the best rants I have ever heard sprang forth out of the confusion. See for yourself:

Culla I hate you.

Here is a lesson from a from a real Cherokee, not some made up god-loving Cherokee because we all know that Indians don't believe in God, they believe in vengeance and malice.

"When time gets you down you should gamble. And I don't mean play the penny slots or even a $5 blackjack game – I mean fucking gamble. Bet what you can't afford on a game that you can never beat. Betting large when you know you are going to lose is the sign of a true Indian. Every other bet should hold the keys to your future in its grasp. Your anus should be so puckered up from the excitement that you couldn't shit a pea. Now that's how you fucking know you are fucking gambling.

And when you lose your breathes get shorter and shorter and more difficult to come by, as you feel the malignant cancer in your brain start to grow and grow, feeding off of your incessant aggression. You feel lethal. On the verge of frenzy. You want to kill, not just yourself, but everyone in the casino…but not until you rape the dealer who just fist-fucked you first.

And after that is all said and done you drink. And I don't mean have a beer or two and call it a night. I mean fucking drink! Grab a bottle of whiskey, scotch, and bourbon (that way you cover all whiskey types) and dive in. Do not look for hope, because there is none. Your only hope lies in an empty bottle. So drink until the bottle is empty. Once this is accomplished you have a bevy of options ahead of you – piss yourself, make sexist comments, howl at the moon, pay a stripper to give you a rim-job…while you pee, poop on the floor, poop on someones chest, paint yourself in war paint and take someones scalp, fart on a white-man's hair, do your laundry, and so on and so forth. I think you get the picture.

Lastly, you load up a shotgun. And no I don't mean a make-believe shotgun. I mean a real fucking shotgun, double-barreled, preferably sawed-off. You load it, you point it to your brain, and you pull the fucking trigger. Why? I'll tell you why… You are a fucking Indian. And you my friend, are fucking mad. And you are not going to take it anymore."

Let that be a lesson for all of us. Now Culla, go back to your kiddy-porn and your fairy-tales while all the rest of us wallow in self-pity and booze.

The Exorcist

My Friend

2009-01-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

One time I went to Hy-Vee and bought one of those whole rotisserie chickens because, well, because i was really hungry. On the way home I named that bird Sir William Rothschild III and we spoke about a range of topics from the government and political upheavals in the east, to the nature of man and the true meaning of good and evil. Sir William had some brilliant insight and was an avid student of Nietzsche and Hume. His views, though slightly skewed by todays standards, were refreshing and invigorating, they strayed from the common rhetoric used by many rich uninspired ivy league graduates who all too often ramble off quote after quote without implementing any of their own opinions. I asked him if he had any ambitions to run for office in the future or if he planned to stay with strictly avian endeavors. His response was a drawn out dirge of self-righteous theories about the solidarity of man and a few biblical references to the apocalypse. During his rant I realized that he didn't know anything because he was just a delicious rotisserie chicken...and he was getting cold. So I ate that bird. I ate the whole damn thing.

The Lunch Invite

2009-01-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

Seth...: Lunch today???

Me...: Let us divulge our senses with the succulent smells and flavors at an omnipotent franchise of the fast food industry. With their ever increasing social awareness and health conciencious menu items one would be led to believe that they stand for more than just greedy capitalist driven ends. Even their employees are beginning to be offered medical insurance and 401k plans. OR is this recent trend of charity an ends to a means of evil that began over 20 years ago? Are the excercise programs, fund raising events, and youth leadership programs the final nail into the coffin of hopeless dependence that these giants of food service have built for us? We wander like cattle into the doors of these death camps and willingly pay these zealots to drain our vitality through delicious yet empty foods. We are left wanting more after a half hour because our bodies recieved plenty of substance but with a sizable lack of vital nutrients. The human body and mind will continue to function but only as a puppet continues to function at the hand of its master. With each juicy double cheeseburger we are bartering our spiritual essence and ambition, and yes, in return we do receive a delightful treat that satisfies the desire for the moment but leaves us groggy and drained of energy later. With this lack of energy it is much harder for a person to find the will to get up and prepare a proper meal later and this laziness drives us mindlessly back through the doors of the death machine for more mind controll serum. I've seen it all a hundred times. Let us unite my brother and take a stand for our longevity sake and our soul's sake against these pagan demons of capitalist mockery! Let us join hands with our obese brethren and sing the songs of rebellion unto the spires of the megaconglomerate fortresses of evil! Our song will resound with such power as to crack the very foundations under the seats of these grotesque pushers of sin and gluttony. With time we will see the weight of their corruption bring them down in a crumbling landslide of broken tyranny and egoisms, and we will watch it all fall deep into the abyssmal depths of the nothingness that is the hell reserved for such over-indulgers. But first lets grab a bite to eat...how about 11:45?

Seth...: You need help...